Sebastian didn’t want to be a thief here. He didn’t want to storm in uninvited and drop a bomb on Blaine. Barge in and say something that would affect them both for life even if neither one of them would admit it after this conversation. He knew how caring and compassionate Blaine was. He knew how hard this confession would hit him. The last thing he wished was for Blaine to feel bad for him. What would that make him? What was it making him now that he’d said the word love? That was the last of his intentions. All he had ever wanted to be was supportive of Blaine. Having Blaine carry memories of this every time he thinks about his wedding day would be so incredibly greedy. But damage had been done already. Today was Blaine and Kurt’s day. It was THEM who had always stuck by each others side. Them who stayed strong as a couple even when Sebastian came in between it back in the day, young and dumb trying to weasel his way in places he shouldn’t be. He may have been in the wrong before but sitting here with the love of his life right before he gets married to another man wasn’t what he wanted to be doing. But if he didn’t do this… what would he be? If he didn’t tell Blaine the truth, how would he be able to try and get over him? This HAD to happen eventually or Blaine’s face would forever be a reminder of his secret. Though now, as pain is aching deep into his mind, he feels Blaine’s face might instead be one he wouldn’t be seeing much more. Why would he ever want to see Sebastian again after this? Knowing that he’s just someone who is in love with him? This wasn’t fun and games anymore. Now? It was just rose thorns pricking fingers and blood being drawn. Fuck, he thought.
When Blaine stood up,chillsran up and down his back and arms. No. Fuck, he was coming closer. Sebastian was deep down begging for the closeness with all his might but he couldn’t accept it. No, no, no. Feeling his touch any more would only hurt the both of them. What if they were no longer going to be magnets for each other but a car crash instead? The way Blaine’s touch traveled so softly across Sebastian’s hairline and temple caused his tears to increase. He couldn’t HANDLE the touch, he couldn’t take it. It’s like his soul was nothing but butterfly wings. Trying to touch it would only be a mistake. Watery greens refused to look back at the golden ones right in front of him. A hand reached up to cover his face, he couldn’t show weakness. Not even after all these years. Not even after he had learned to show his feelings in front of Blaine. Right now was a reversal. He felt himself closing off again. The worst part about all of this was that it was not only hurting him – it was also hurting Blaine. That? That had always been his biggest FEAR. Never his intentions. Why was he letting himself be so greedy by confessing? Fuck this. ❝I never expect you to hurt him. Never. That…that’s not why I came here. Not to ruin anything.❞ he replies softly as his hand continues to hide his face. Sebastian buries his face down into his palm as he lowers his head down and tries to stop crying ❝Please NEVER tell me you’re sorry, Blaine. Never apologize for this. You and Kurt deserve to be so happy..❞ Words muffle against his hiding place and he just wants to take back confessing what he did. When Blaine corrected do to DID? That was what stung the worst. ❝You didn’t hurt me —— I hurt myself from letting myself be an idiot.❞
Just like that, he was blocked out of Sebastian’s view by Sebastian himself. Unable to look at him, his best friend hid away and sobbed into his hands while his fingers were still right there next to Sebastian’s left eye..well..now his pointer finger. He felt sick. An increasing twist of his stomach that sank into nausea. What was he thinking about inviting Sebastian here? What stupid impulse was it to approach him to beg for his help with the engagement? Let alone ask him to be there for the day the wedding happened? Blaine knew he was oblivious about many things. Some he pretended to be so clueless that, occasionally, he even believed what he was hiding from under the mask of unaware he often wore when he couldn’t face what was standing right in front of him. When the COURAGE that he preached to anyone struggling was so far out of reach that he couldn’t see a speck of it. Let alone not be an absolute hypocrite and not practice his own gospel. He knew Sebastian loved him. He knew he loved Sebastian. The parts of them that connected ran deep. Through skin and bone and blood and breath into a place where only Sebastian and he could ever tread together because they were the only ones who trusted each other enough to open the doors to the basements where they hid their darkest thoughts. And invite the other one in.
They were bound together deeper than Kurt or Trent or Tina or Hunter could ever know. Because none of them, and it drove a knife into Blaine’s chest to think it considering his groom-to-be’s wedding band was on the dressing table they were beside, would ever understand. Everyone they knew was beginning to filter into the building waiting for the moment where he’d slip it on a pale finger that wasn’t the one he now covered with the pad of his thumb trying to nudge Sebastian’s hand down.
“Please look at me, please, please don’t hide..,” he plead through the cracks in his voice in a pitch that was broken and lost. “I’m so sorry and I’m allowed to be. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry I love him and the one thing I should be the most sorry about is the fact that I love you so much, Sebastian. I always did. I always will…” Tears that he managed to hold back because he didn’t feel like he deserved them started to fall. He knew once he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop. And here was the breaking point. Crumbled and gone and turning back wasn’t possible. “But I’m not sorry about caring for you. I’m not sorry that I let you see me the way you saw me. I’m not sorry that I have someone who guides me through the hallways in my head that I’m terrified to go down..and I’m not sorry that I need you even after today.” Blaine’s grip grew firm. All five fingers wrapped around Sebastian’s hand and he pulled it down using all of his strength to do it if he had to. Tears streaking his face, he lifted up without a hesitation and.. Lips pressed to Sebastian’s cheek and as his entire frame shook with a gasp, he kissed a path up the lines of the taller man’s tears until he was on his toes and his mouth ghosted the corner of Sebastian’s eye dotting his temple with the words that he couldn’t stop spewing in a blabbering whisper. “I never wanted to hurt you and I knew I was going to. I knew this was going to hurt so much..and you can hate me. You should hate me. I don’t deserve you. Remember? I told you that and you didn’t believe me. You thought I was being humble but I was only being honest. I don’t deserve you but I desperately need you and what does that say about me? Please don’t go.. Because I’m terrified I’ll never see you again..”
The options of what he could do to back out were narrowing slimmer && slimmer the longer the presence of the two alone in the room lingered. It was like something was bumping loudly in the back of his thoughts && letting the pressure rise as minutes passed. Was it his heart that was beating? His head that was pounding? All of it mixed so horribly together that lines had become blurred for what there was to blame for this fear. Sebastian had always prided himself in never letting fears hold him back, yet here he was, not even close to certain of how to pursue this long drawn on confession. It had to come out, it had to come out now. && that’s precisely why he wouldn’t allow himself to stand here silent && fade out with nerves. Sebastian was going to do it now, because if he didn’t he might walk out that door with the biggest regret of his life.
Fingers fidget with one of his blazer sleeves, the sick feeling in his stomach from nerves intensifying. This wasn’t the Sebastian everyone knew. This was the Sebastian that hopeless love had turned him into. A mess with endless doubts. Finally, he looks back up at Blaine as he watches him sitting in the vanity chair. Oh, those yellow tinted lights illuminating off of his angel skin. He was so handsome, now looking more handsomer than ever. He wanted so badly not to ruin the innocent look on his face with the news he would soon be bringing to Blaine’s attention. It wasn’t fair to Blaine, it wasn’t fair to Kurt. ❛ I was saying, uh—– ❜ he pauses, slowly walking towards where the other sat. Sebastian sits on the edge of the vanity counter top, now facing Blaine. He looked down with a frown before sighing.
❛ I’ve always been in love with you, Blaine.&& I still am. I’ve never stopped being in love with you. ❜ The bomb was dropped, his voice was shaking. He wanted to vanish into thin air. Leave before there was a chance to hurt from the reaction he would receive.
Breathing became increasingly difficult as he waited. Blaine felt what was coming. He knew it before Sebastian met his eyes knowing his were so hopeful that Sebastian might change his mind and decide he wasn’t worth the heartache that the air between them warned would only get worse. –I don’t want to be the person who does this to you. Please don’t make me be. Please, Sebastian, don’t.– He let himself be greedy enough to stretch out the minutes where both of them could sit there with words unspoken and hold onto how things were before–. A feeling deeper inside than his bones that already ached so bad he swore they were turning hollow caved his throat in when Sebastian stole the safety net of distance and reflections by sitting on the counter top and forcing Blaine to see him in the flesh. Close enough that he could feel the warmth of Sebastian’s leg against the side of his hand. Blaine screamed internally for him to stop before it was too late. –Not today. Don’t make me remember today as the day I broke your heart!– Then it was too late and he heard every word that Sebastian couldn’t take back and he’d never forget. Blaine sat perfectly still and his wide eyes–filled to the brim with tears–stared up at him seeing nothing but desperation. Sebastian looked as if he’d rather be anywhere other than beside him. The unsurety that the normally so confident man broadcasted drew Blaine to cover his hand with a grip that had no right to be shaking as much as it was.
His chair slid back and echoed in Blaine’s ears as he stood leaving barely any room between them. “Seb,” he whispered unsteadily, expression filling with sorrowful regret. His elbow bent as he cupped his cheek in a cold palm. Fingertips grazed Sebastian’s hairline as Blaine shook his head. “I’m sorry.” A caress swept over Sebastian’s temple. “I never wanted to hurt you. You have no idea how important you are to me. How important we are,” golden hazel begged Sebastian to understand before he leaned in and rested their foreheads together using the closeness to blur Sebastian’s face from view. When that didn’t work–Blaine closed his eyes and breathed the same air as Sebastian for what was probably the last time. Thinking it would be made Blaine’s stomach bottom out. “I-I can’t hurt him. Not like this. Not this bad. But don’t you dare walk away thinking I couldn’t love you. That you don’t deserve it. I know that’s what’s going to happen.” He blurted out the next part, too emotionally strung out to keep it inside. “I do–I mean–did. Part of me always will. You–you’re—” What was he doing? What was he saying? This was so wrong to do to him. “I’ll stop–I just–I’m so sorry.” –Please don’t hate me now. I don’t want that either.– But he couldn’t blame him if he did.
Sebastian respectively stayed quiet while propped against the wall ( Semi choosing silence for now because he was too scared to do anything else )&& watched Blaine with a forced half smile, listening to him add more to his answer && somehow shift from from a simple great to nervous. Of course he was nervous, from all Sebastian knew it was pretty normal to be nervous on your wedding day. Sebastian connected with the feeling all too much in a different sort of way, like two puzzle pieces seeming as if they are meant to fit together but the slightest difference comes between them being the perfect match. Why? Because Sebastian was more nervous than ever right now too. Not for the same reasons, but because thoughts were floating around that somehow needed to end in him admitting his love. As Blaine proclaimed his happiness, Sebastian tries to smile as best as he can, but still hanging his head low. Some part of him hoped that Blaine had to make it so clear because it wasn’t the truth. Almost forgetting to answer for a brief amount of time, he drops out of deep thought && stutters a moment.
❛ Oh, uh—— ❜ He scrunches his nose, trying to remember what was going on after getting lost in his nervousness. Fuck, he thought. He was being so obvious, it wasn’t too hard to see that Sebastian was off his game. Luckily for him Blaine could be a little clueless at times. ( A part of him that Sebastian, of course, loved ) Swallowing what felt like a lump growing in his throat, he coughs to mask the heavy breathing that had become his anxieties. ❛ I’m sorry, Blaine… What were you saying? I think the glass of champagne I had is getting to my head. ❜Lies. It was something else that was getting to his head && that couldn’t be closer to the truth.
Blaine watched the tip of his finger drag across the polished countertop of the vanity he leaned on. Sebastian was being quiet. Abnormally quiet enough that Blaine couldn’t help picking up on something being off. A giant something that the back of his mind reached out, touched and caused his stomach to gnaw itself as it clenched up while he played a game of connect the dots that he didn’t really have to play to figure out the reason why.
The image of Sebastian came into view and he watched him in the glass. Cowardly as it was– Blaine made no move to turn around. Sure, he was great at pretending and lying to himself that he was clueless as to what might be going through Sebastian’s mind to freeze his usual quicksilver tongue. Didn’t mean he could lie to himself while standing there in a silence that swallowed him up more and more the longer it lasted. What’d that say about him that he didn’t have to look Sebastian in the eye to know what he’d find if he did? Or that he was glad that, for now, if he kept his back turned to him purposefully? He wouldn’t have to face it in person.
Sebastian continued to stare at the floor. Blaine continued to watch the glass image of a man who was battling with demons Blaine wasn’t sure should be let free. Not here. Not now. Because it was too late. ‘Clueless’–maybe sometimes–but he was not an idiot. Sebastian’s face was crumpling and Blaine’s stomach bottomed out. The sound of a cough made Blaine press his fingers against the vanity until their tips drained of color. What was he saying? He didn’t remember! Blaine’s mouth opened–silently stuttering for a reply that didn’t come easy–he tried so hard to come up with something wildly blinking out of the daze his own anxiousness to open his mouth brought on. “—-I don’t remember. I’d blame the champagne but I haven’t touched the stuff since this morning. I don’t–Sorry–W-What were you saying?” That wasn’t supposed to be what came out. A garbled mess of nothing mixed with repeating back what Sebastian said? What the hell?
Sebastian stayed stiff through out the hug, wanting to pull in tight && hold Blaine forever; but he couldn’t. He had to stay his distance for now while still acting as normally as possible. It was for his own good, for Kurt’s good, && for Blaine’s too. How blissful Blaine seemed to see him only added to the pain of the situation, because soon enough when Sebastian spilled the truth of why he had knocked, he knew Blaine wouldn’t be smiling like he was now. It was selfish to do what he was about to do, && Sebastian knew it all too well. He knew he was only thinking of himself when he made the decision to admit his love to Blaine on his god damn wedding day. But if he bottled it up && let it float out into the ocean he would regret ever letting the feelings be lost because of manners. He had to take the chance, even if the result was a bust. Trying to keep his nerves from making his chest pound, he contained his scattered brain.
❛ ——–Yeah. Yeah of course… Everything’s great. I just wanted to come see the groom before the big reveal. ❜ he grins as he looks to the ground, a smile that was half genuine ( Because he truly was so happy for Blaine to be marrying the love of his life ) but half faked because it did sting to see him so happy with someone else. For years, he’d been fighting for his love in the shadows. Even after redeeming himself from the cold hearted snake many thought he was, things never came to his luck. That’s when he realized Kurt && Blaine were in love && it wasn’t going to change, it just wasn’t his place to come in between it any longer. But not was now, he had to do it. Sebastian’s heart was racing, trying to keep his usual cool as he examines the suit Blaine wore.
❛ You look sharp, killer. Kurt’s a lucky guy. How uh- how do you feel now that it’s coming so close?❜Focus, Sebastian. Stop bringing the attention off of yourself. Just say it. Get it over with. It’ll give the wound more time to heal before you go sit down in that seat && watch Blaine say his vows.
Blaine sensed the tension throughout the entire exchange and his question was his attempt at seeing what the reasons behind it were. There was a seed of doubt in the tiniest part of his mind he’d do whatever he could to ignore that he might already know the reason and wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear the answer out loud. He wasn’t a fool or blind. Great at pretending to be on occasion, sure, but guilt could do that to a person. Even him. Years were spent dancing around a particular subject either blatantly, or as they passed by, much more tamed but always there. Chancing a friendship by digging at the subject wasn’t something he wanted either. So, they both let the topic of ‘what if’ drop. Sebastian backed off and they levelled out. As much as they ever could. Eventually, the friendship was all that seemed to matter to them–or so Blaine told himself. Repeatedly. Enough times that the guilt and doubt about the way Sebastian’s voice on the other end of the call sounded when he invited him to the wedding was a bitter pill to swallow but went down sugarcoated with Sebastian’s confirmation that he would be happy to be there.
Call it greedy–it was.
Blaine needed him to be here. He needed him. So Sebastian was here. As always. Blaine’s eyebrows shot up when Sebastian said he was okay but couldn’t meet his eyes when he did. Liar. Blaine’s heart immediately jump started into overdrive and he stuttered a breath that was supposed to be a laugh as Sebastian checked out his suit. Spreading his hands and swinging them slightly out from his hips, Blaine licked his lips to help the words come easier looking down at himself. “—Yeah? Thanks,” he grinned sheepishly scratching the back of his neck. His stomach tightened at the pet name and it only got worse–unexpectedly–when Sebastian asked him how he was feeling. “Great,” his volume hiccuped up a notch, brows creased as his hand dropped to his side. “Great,” he repeated taking a few steps back and taking his turn at finding anything else other than Sebastian to look at. The vanity worked. “Can I be honest for a second,” his fingertips tapped the countertop, “I’m nervous as hell.” He cringed at the unplanned confession. “I’m happy. Don’t think I’m not,” he rushed to make that point clear looking over his shoulder up at Sebastian. “I’m just–,” he blinked like he caught himself saying or thinking something he shouldn’t. “Fine! I’m fine. Totally,” there went the roll of the eyes that said he was completely brushing off something that was stupid for him to bring up, “Nerves go with the territory on your wedding day—Right?” Why’d think it was okay to lay THIS on Sebastian? Runaway lips? Just add the ups and downs of pre-ceremony jitters. That’s all it was. Yeah?
Sebastian had always been a pretender, all of his life. Pretending wasn’t always fun, it was almost like something that slowly ate at him inside but he got immune to over time. But pretending that he no longer had feelings for Blaine, that stung worse than anything else he had ever known. Sebastian backed off from Blaine because he knew how much Kurt meant to him. He cared about Blaine too much to ruin what truly made him happy. A couple years passed, he had to keep a smile on as he watched them get engaged. Yes, he was happy for Blaine but if he said it didn’t hurt to watch him end up with someone else that would be a lie.
Now another year later, he had been invited to Blaine && Kurt’s wedding. He cared about Blaine, he knew he wanted to go to the wedding. He thought he would be able to handle seeing the one person he’s ever loved stand up there && get married. There was no more fighting with Kurt or purposeful flirting towards Blaine, Sebastian had matured && changed his ways. But there was still a fight inside of his own head. A fight of how he could ever stop having feelings for Blaine Anderson.
The ceremony was going to happen any minute, he knew Blaine was getting ready in the back room. If he didn’t do this now, he would have to live with the secrecy forever. It had to be let off his mind, no matter what Blaine said in return. As long as he knew that Sebastian had always && always will love him. A deep breath is taken, standing by the door. Minutes passed by && his mind was spiraling, thoughts twisting && turning. Finally, he got up the courage && knocked gently on the door three times. ❛ Everything going good in there, Blaine?❜
Blaine was a nervous ball of energy that could barely be contained inside his skin. This was the first time since he woke up in the hotel room he shared with Sam and Mike that he had time alone to breathe and process that today was the day. Kurt and he were going to get married. At the end, he would have a husband. His heart was so light it practically grew wings and flew out of his chest. Unable to just stand there, one hand flicked out from his waist twisting at the wrist in a finger snap. His left foot kicked back as he shifted his balance to his right heel and spun once finishing with a low bow to his reflection in the mirror. Pursed lips pinched at the corner as mirror imaged hazel stared into it’s perfect match. A wave of giddy nerves hit him hard enough to make his head spin and he laughed giddily gripping the edge of the vanity to keep himself from floating to the ceiling. TODAY was going to change EVERYTHING. Their lives, their future. They’d gone through so much to get to this point and here they were. Together.
Oppositely? Blaine felt a calm mixed with the impulsive want to dance across the ceiling. They would still be them only– Piecing together the right words for how he felt wasn’t going to happen. Exhaling deep, Blaine decided to let it just be. The knock on the door ended his time alone. Not that he expected much. Or needed it. It was nice to breathe but too long thinking it over, who knew? The last night’s jitters might return. No doubt it was Sam. Darting to the door, he watched his bare hand as he opened it and grinned. This would be one of the last times he saw it without a glinting platinum band. “Hey, listen, I told you a dozen times. We’re not playing the Dark Knight Theme as—” Nope. Not Sam. Someone else entirely. “Sebastian!” Instant ear to ear smile? Just add a Warbler. “Hi! Come in!” A tug to Sebastian’s wrist brought into a tight hug. “It’s so good to see you,” he gripped his shoulders and took a step back. Sensing something was off only took their eyes meeting. Blaine always noticed things about Sebastian many people wouldn’t. But? Blaine wasn’t most people. Their friendship wasn’t like most friendships. Certainly not one that would allow him to miss something he could practically feel when he looked deeper into the familiar shades of green. Blaine tightened his hold and squinted, his voice quiet. “Hey, everything okay?”
pianokeysandbowties 