none of what blaine was imagining had ever passed through sebastian’s head. honestly, sebastian wasn’t used to think of things from that angle. to ever think of someone taking advantage of him. he never had, and honestly the thought would have made him laugh. even when he was younger and he’d gone out to bars seeking older men he never thought of it that way. he was usually the one after people, which was why his thoughts went first to if HE had done something wrong. and when blaine said it like that, it clicked. blaine WASN’T mad at him at sebastian for kissing him. and that was all that mattered to him.
his heart was throbbing. his eyes darkened with so many piled up emotions he could barely breathe or see clearly. vision hazed with the weight of years of untold things and unquenched needs. all that time he had spent convincing himself blaine didn’t want him and never would, convincing himself that he would never be good enough to be wanted by blaine. and now… all he saw was blaine as he stared ahead, the boy he’d loved for so long in bright colors, and the rest of the world, a blur. he had kissed blaine. blaine had kissed him back.
when sebastian moved, it was like a whirlwind. he strolled through the kitchen, pushing the box of eclairs aside so abruptly it tumbled off, but he didn’t even pause, didn’t even notice, couldn’t have. he grabbed blaine’s clothes like he could tear them apart, lunged him forward hard, and crashed with blaine. crashed him with his mouth, crashed him with chest and teeth, and with his need. crashed him with all the things he had always wanted to say and that had left him hoarse, stuck in his throat for so long. crashed him with his aching relief, and barely there hope. hope that blaine wouldn’t push him away this time. that just THIS TIME blaine would kiss him back like he said he had, and sebastian would FINALLY know what that felt like. what being kissed by blaine felt like.
blaine’s shirt scrapped his palm with the need of his burying nails, sebastian’s tongue swiped refined sugar and cream from blaine’s lips, and the next step blaine gave forward, sebastian had him with an arm around his lower back. i got you. he had got blaine for the last four years. he breathed hard, chest pushing outwardly against the hands over it, and a shudder came over him when blaine actually made a sound. and then he was being kissed back.
sebastian let go of his shirt and grabbed his face with the same need as his heart exploded. he pulled back only to change sides and kiss him deeper, fit them better, press them harder. his closed eyelids fluttered and his eyebrows were screwed together so tight they hurt, his breath quickly leaving him for blaine’s lips. sebastian stopped.
he opened his green eyes at blaine just enough to look at him, at his beautiful face, closer than sebastian had ever been before. and then he started to lean in again, eyes weighing closed once more as he repressed their lips with the gentlest of pressures, carefully pushing blaine’s lips apart with his own to lace them, and sucking slowly. his thumb ran the line of his cheek bone. if this was the only kiss he was ever gonna get, he wanted to do this right.
The world was a dizzying spin around the two of them that stole Blaine’s sense of gravity and tethered it to the arm that fit snuggly around his waist. He has me. He’s always had me. But never once like this. Drunken kiss in the car aside? For four years, Blaine never once caved. Never once let himself cross that line with the man who made him so confused and tongue tied. Unsteady and unsure of everything he thought he wanted with one simple stare, voice that dug it’s way into his very bones and a devilish smile that quickened his pulse. But made everything else feel like it stopped to stare longer than he should ever stare at someone who looked at him like that.
So, Sebastian’s hold was exactly what he craved and it came at the exact time when he was sure that if he didn’t have it? He’d be floating off to outer space without a single hope of coming back down again. All because of one simple kiss that left him blindly drifting away and falling into the taste of Sebastian’s mouth against his, his breath brushing along his cheek and the way he held him steady when he needed it most.
Blaine’s fingers began to shake. Even as he held two fistfuls of Sebastian’s shirt clenched into them so tight it’d be wrinkled when he finally let go. The soft sound he’d made when their mouths first connected melted away into something lower, caught between a breath out between the cracks of their mouths so he could swallow more air and the tease of the groan that was building up desperately inside the pit of his stomach. One that escaped when Blaine couldn’t hold it in anymore. And it drifted from deep inside him into Sebastian’s mouth where his tongue ached to explore even deeper.
He took his time catching up to Sebastian’s demand and need, enough that he still hadn’t tasted him completely before Sebastian’s hands were on his face and Blaine was on his tiptoes, not realizing they were nearly stepping on the tips of Sebastian’s with how close he’d gotten. The pause drew his eyes barely open as his kiss began to match Sebastian’s depth and ache, two slivers of hazel and gold cracking to stare in a daze up through the veil of thick, dark lashes at Sebastian’s lips as if he had some supernatural power to make them come back with just a glance. This couldn’t end. Who knew when it would happen again?
Sebastian Smythe could get inside his head. Blaine always thought he could but never would admit to such a thing. Too much power handed over to someone who might run away with it and leave him wondering how he might ever get it back and knowing full well Sebastian wouldn’t let it go if he gave it to him or should he let his guard completely down long enough for him to steal it. And he already has before… So say the sleepless nights spent after their conversations where he laid staring at the shadows on his ceiling trying to piece together how one person–a person he wasn’t even with–could make him question so much while seeming to give him so many answers to others he didn’t want to admit were there.
He did it just now too. Lulling Blaine’s eyes closed as he felt him draw nearer in time with Sebastian’s opening leaving Blaine unaware he was being looked at as his lips parted, expecting and waiting and… Then they were taken again, nudged open and they fell apart so easily with a cant of his head and a shudder that ran all the way to his toes as his cheek was caressed and he felt Sebastian sucking against his mouth. Blaine yielded to it, slipping his tongue inside to graze against Sebastian’s and flick against the roof of his mouth. A shock of electricity moved through his veins and his hands lifted up, the tips of his fingers danced over Sebastian’s hairline before their long lengths buried into his hair. Deeper still and he was certain he tasted heaven there. His heart banged against his rib cage like a hammer and he didn’t care he couldn’t breath anymore. Or about moving as slow when his hands tightened into fists, pulled Sebastian’s mouth tighter.
Please..don’t stop. Not yet. If a moment could last forever. Now would be a good time..
Who’s the real you? The person who did something awful, or the one who’s horrified by the awful thing you did? Is one part of you allowed to forgive the other?
blaine stepping back had sebastian’s heart actively throbbing in his chest. so painfully like it only had in those few moments he’d been truly scared. humiliation brewing in his stomach at the thought of what he might have done. had he hurt blaine even more?! he SWORE he’d never lay a hand on him again and yet… his breath didn’t pick up, it stilled, almost impossibly quiet as he felt cold. blaine looked scared and ashamed and sebastian didn’t know what to do with it.
when he finally said it, sebastian’s had SPUN, hard. was that it? he’d kissed him? was it that HORRIBLE to have blaine looking as green as he did? as though the very memory of it made him stomach-sick? and still sebastian couldn’t help but ASK. not with the way the ghost of a memory kept dancing over his sugar sticky lips. not with the way blaine wavered as though… sebastian took a step forward, pupils wide as he waited, eating away at the green in his eyes, with an expectation so painful sebastian wasn’t sure he was still breathing at all. he frowned at the confusing semi answer. didn’t take WHAT? didn’t take it like that? his eyes couldn’t help but trail down to the movement of blaine’s throat and a different kind of warmth settled in his stomach before he forced them back up.
and then… eyelids shot wide. and suddenly it was so quiet, he wondered if he became deaf. bline kept speaking but sebastian couldn’t hear it. yes. yes.YES.
he had kissed blaine anderson and blaine had actually kissed him back. he restarted breathing with a knocking gasp like a punch in the stomach, but there was no pain in his face, only…. bewilderment. blaine had kissed him back. blaine had kissed him back. sebastian had no idea why he looked so embarrassed and to be quite frank, he wasn’t sure he CARED. his ears were still buzzing but he could hear again. the way blaine’s palm rubbed his own neck making his knees weak again.
i let it happen. sebastian moved.
he cared nothing for the strained tone behind blaine’s words. he cared nothing for the hidden meaning of guilt and something else entirely stupid along those lines. he cared nothing for the apology in the dark eyes, the way his mouth tasted like coffee and too much sugar, and his head still felt like sandpaper under his skin. none of it got close to mattering as he fisted his hands on blaine’s shirt, an almost tortured, completely open for once, look of every single moment of longing, pain, and disappointment he’d spent thinking about this. and then he was jerking the other into a tight, desperate, open mouthed kiss. the earth shifted beneath him and sebastian knew he’d never feel fully grounded to it again.
Blaine watched as Sebastian’s eyes shot open wide with a growing knot in his belly he was sure was ten loops thick. The last thing he ever wanted was for Sebastian to think he took advantage of him when Sebastian trusted him to keep him safe. He rambled on, trying to explain himself, but Sebastian’s face was frozen and Blaine felt like he was shrinking by each second under the weight of green eyes that were unblinking, unwavering set inside a face that was the very definition of SHOCK. His palm never left his neck as he tried to figure out what was about to happen.. Would he be kicked out? Did he read this wrong and it might be a good thing?
It had to be a good thing. Blaine wasn’t oblivious to the fact that Sebastian wanted him. Wanted to do what he did in the cab, KISS HIM, for a very long time now. Or so he thought that want was still there. Or Sebastian wouldn’t have done it. Unless it was the alcohol talking and Blaine was too weak to not listen. Tired of looking past the need in Sebastian’s eyes over and over because he had to convince himself that this (whatever this was) shouldn’t happen.
Losing Sebastian wasn’t an option and Blaine wasn’t sure he could risk everything.. Even if he wanted to. So bad. Time and time again. Back into oblivion those notions always went. Back into staring into space, back into forced obliviousness once the real thing wore off. Back to being safe. That’s the dance Blaine shared with Sebastian in his head. A one sided waltz of caution. More times than he cared to count. Too many.
Sebastian moved. Blaine cringed inwardly but on the outside, his lips parted into a tiny, wary smile and he felt his toes curl against tile trying to steady himself.
His shirt went tight around his back when Sebastian’s fist balled it up. This was it. No matter what happened from this moment on, they’d never be the same. Inside Sebastian’s eyes was so much ache that Blaine felt his throat close around the words ‘I’m sorry’ that never came out. Seeing that look would be enough to bring anyone to their knees. But the jerk forward made him stumble a step closer, hazel eyes rounded owlishly–hands reached out to rest against Sebastian’s chest where he felt a racing pulse that matched his. His breathing stopped. Their mouths connected. He felt Sebastian pour out utter desperation into him and Blaine swallowed it down with a quiet groan. Only to feel himself and all his willpower shatter to nothing. So much for his careful distance. It was gone as Blaine caved, inched upwards for more and gave every shred of want and need right back, too gone to hold it in anymore.
blaine kept stuttering. blushing. avoiding his eyes. in a way that looked nothing like the bashful way he’d done it before. he looked uncomfortable, maybe angry, or even hurt. sebastian felt his stomach drop to his knees, making them buckle. had he? did he? he reached out a hand, but pulled it back when blaine seemed to back away from him. sebastian swallowed down thickly. he opened his mouth to ask, even began the rough words,
❛❛did i—?’ but his voice wouldn’t come out. did i hurt you? his face voided as his eyes stared, wide and dark, pupils blown with concern because blaine looked as though he might be sick if sebastian got too close.
or was it that blaine KNEW? had he…. had he seen, him? and now he didn’t know how to bring it up? sebastian felt humiliation brew up inside him, coiling painfully behind his tensed abs, though he kept his face still. he didn’t know WHAT to think, and it was exasperating when he was used to always know what was going inside the other’s head, from day one. he resisted the urge to take a step back. his fists clenched before he brought them around, crossing his arms tightly. he didn’t want to look WEAK, and he tried to make his shoulders stand proudly as ever, with the same attitude with which he would have crossed his arms back when they were teens. but it was hard to, a lot more than he remembered, specially when his eyes kept hovering over blaine’s face, searching feverishly for some kind of answer. ‘just tell me, killer.’ he cut in, patience growing thin with blaine’s increasingly pathetic excuses. whatever it was, sebastian would FIX it. he’d try. he had nearly but blinded blaine once, what could be worse than that?
suddenly he felt a new wave of nausea. you were a mess. had he said something? but blaine had heard that from him, before, right? that wasn’t the first time sebastian would have drunkenly declared something to him. sure. he had made a promise. but blaine and him barely saw each other as it was nowadays, and he’d been out of his mind enough not to remember it the next day. surely he deserved some slack? it wasn’t like he’d intentionally disrespected blaine’s great love, or something. he bit his lips inside his mouth, before releasing them, and forcing his arms to unwind, rolling one shoulder, instead.
the answer made him stop. he stared at blaine, or rather, through blaine, as his eyes blanked and his mouth slackened. he’d kissed him. his lips tingled again like they’d been doing all morning, and then he GOT IT. for a moment there was relief. that was a lot better than any of the options he’d been considering. but then he looked up at blaine as he spoke again and his eyebrows pressed. he stared at him, but no matter for how long he did, he just couldn’t remember it. he breathed in. he knew it was stupid to ask, it was incredibly stupid, and even if the answer was something else, he also knew how probable it was that blaine would say NO, either way. and yet…
‘did you kiss me back?’ his heart skipped a beat. it was ridiculously corny to say so, but it did just as his whole body tightened. he looked at blaine and there was a plea in his green eyes. an open, unguarded for once, request, for the TRUTH. just that. nothing else blaine’s altruist brain might think would sound better.
Seeing Sebastian tensing as he waited for him to blurt out the answer the other so desperately wanted to hear–Blaine took a step back after he said it. Maybe he was overreacting in his hesitation to blurt it out. Maybe he was making the proverbial mountain out of a molehill. But the kiss wasn’t something so trivial to him as to brush it off. Because the kiss just happened to be from Sebastian. Who Blaine knew wouldn’t want to shirk off remembering that the two of them finally did that Sebastian was never quite able to hide his want for. Even in his best behavior times where he thought he was. There was always a longing in Sebastian’s eyes that Blaine could feel down to his very core. Hidden or not. And it always tugged on his heartstrings each time he turned away. The worst worry was something ingrained in him for a very long time. –Please don’t think I took advantage of you. I didn’t. I promise.–
Sebastian staring at him the way he was? Blaine almost thought he did and was ready to gush out whatever apology and denial of the fact before he was quickly escorted towards the door if that would happen. So often he could read Sebastian down to a ‘T’ but this was uncharted territory and he hated not being able to when he needed it most. “I didn’t take–,” he began to mumble. Under his breath at first like he had to test the waters of his explanation before dishing it out. The question cut his voice to silence and he bit his lip, eyes so hesitant as he read over Sebastian’s pleading stare. His heart leapt to his throat. Why was he so tense? Why was he begging him so hard?
His breathing turned shallow and he tucked his chin towards his collar–reading it all wrong and mucking things up in a way that was wholly his version of doing so. “Y-Yes,” the truth came out in a small and fractured, guilty whisper. “I kissed you back. I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have. You were drunk and I wasn’t. I knew what you were going to do. It was obvious it was about to happen and I..” A flashed sardonic smile of utter frustration bared clenched together teeth as his hand wrenched from the counter and rubbed the back of his neck.
He finally looked away, towards the counter and the window past the sink with an exasperated sigh. “I let it happen.” There. Sebastian had the truth. Not some story to soften the blow. Blaine couldn’t resist him with that stare. Much to the other’s disbelief–Sebastian had settled himself into more than one of Blaine’s weak spots over the years and he’d just struck the biggest one with the way he plead for the truth, the tone of his voice and that. damn. stare.
❛❛you’re lucky you look like that, or else i’d be morally obligated to toss you out for spreading such blasphemous things.’ he pointed out, when blaine said coffee wasn’t real food. he took another sip of his own mug making a fake grimace. ‘though you might have a point about THIS one. coffee without a shot doesn’t really live to its full potential.’ the words were witty and quick, but his voice was still rough with tiredness, though the dark, bitter liquid was doing its job on starting to wake him up from his daze. he was a lot more aware of blaine’s nervousness than he’d been a moment ago, for example, and he wasn’t sure if liked the change. he’d rather keep pretending blaine felt as comfortable as he did sharing breakfast with him, and bantering about nothing. it was nice pretending blaine enjoyed this as much as he did. but then again, that had been their relationship from the start, right? blaine too astonished to come back at him, and sebastian filling in the blanks.
‘you okay?’ he asked eventually, because blaine looked as though he might throw up in his coffee mug. and sebastian wasn’t sure if it was just the hangover or something worse. he glanced at blaine worriedly, eyes taking in the way blaine’s golden ones were staring at him. he actually stuttered, something sebastian hadn’t seen him do since their first few meets, when he’d laid on the boy all his best moves at once, hoping at least one of them would strike home. making blaine blushed and stuttery. he was also so quiet, sebastian leaned forward without noticing, as he tried to hear. blaine was really confusing him now. he had never seen him this serious before. not since the night they’d had a long conversation sebastian would rather not be reminded of, in which blaine made it very clear that kurt was the one he loved, always had, always would, and that if sebastian still wanted to be friends with him after everything, he had to respect that. and he had. no matter how much effort it took at times. he had.
he heard blaine’s words when he finally spoke, but sebastian hadn’t missed the hint of desolation in his eyes. he knew blaine. knew him too well to miss something like that. and blaine’s hushed, hollow, words fell on numb ears as sebastian looked at him intently as though trying to listen to what blaine REALLY wanted to say. he watched, slightly stupefied that blaine would just drop whatever it was like that. had sebastian hurt him? had he done something so bad blaine couldn’t bring himself to say it? he pushed the mug on the counter by his side and slid off of it. ‘we made a deal. you said i got a question. i want you to tell me what i really did last night.’ he said, firmly.
Did he stare too long? See? That was the problem. Giving himself away enough to cause Sebastian concern and for him to ask a question that Blaine was hoping he’d never have to answer was NOT what he wanted. Damn it. Out of the two of them? He was going to be the only one who ever remembered what happened inside the cab. Sebastian wouldn’t have to not think about it. Or be the one who had to go through a few weeks wondering how to avoid eye contact while not avoiding it too much and definitely not letting his gaze stray towards someone’s mouth. Maybe longer. Depending on how much time it took for Blaine to get that process down. His wobbly jokes and quick pounces on whatever subject from breakfast to eclairs to coffee were going to be a defense that only HE had to figure out. It sucked being the only person who could look back onto the previous twelve hours and not know what it was like.
For the better? Yeah. But there was a part of him that wished he wouldn’t be alone in something so…important.
Blaine’s jawline flinched back teeth grinding together like he had to chew a bitter pill up before swallowing it. He was being absolutely ridiculous. How greedy could he get? Seeing Sebastian slide down to the floor from the corner of his eye–Blaine sat the carafe back down on the countertop and instinctively glanced up at the tone in the other’s voice. His mouth opened, small noises and sharp exhales. “I just told you–” A crooked smile staggered from barely there to so wide it made his cheeks puffy when his eyes rolled in mock exasperation. Blaine was actually considering lying again and giving himself dead away.
“You–you were a mess,” his hand blindly reached for the counter behind him and he held onto it backing up until his hip bounced off it. The other palm lifted from his side and waved to correct the word. “Drunk. I mean. Not an actual mess.” The longer he watched Sebastian–the harder it was to keep up with such a blatant zigzag. One that was all for nothing when he blurted out. “I mean–I got you into the cab and you were laughing and having a great time and we talked and youkissedme.” Dead silence. The kind that comes crashing down loud as thunder when you catch yourself a heartbeat too late and then your heart stops beating altogether. Blaine’s froze, only blinking at him. His lips puckered, the edge of two front teeth gripped the inside corner of both. He screwed up. That wasn’t supposed to come out. Yet. There it was.
“I didn’t think you’d forget. I just realized you did.”
Sebastian scoffed, and rolled eyes, though his lips were curled in humor. “If you don’t know how saying shit like ‘we have to talk’, and ‘can i ask you something?’ is creepy, then I can’t help you, my friend.” He shook his head. “A deal’s a deal.” He shrugged when Blaine said he’d been creepy in turn, brushing his eyes to make sure they were clean as he opened them again with a sleepy frown, getting another large bite on his eclair and sighing when the heavenly beep of his coffee machine being done, echoed in the tiles. “Finally.” He bit his lip softly at the way it felt when Blaine’s hand slipped from his knee, but smelled the coffee in and let himself relish on the fact that very soon he’d be sipping on something warm and comforting to help give his strained muscles some energy and improve his pounding head. “Really should’ve got a new hungover aid kit.” He mumbled. What a day to run out of advil.
“But boxed deliciousness have everything a man needs for a healthy meal.” He pointed out, eyebrows risen, gesturing and eating as he explained. “It’s got cream, milk, eggs, you could say bread, it’s practically a whole breakfast in itself, not to say you could consider them big stuffed sausages.” He smiled, poking Blaine back as he poked him about his empty pantry. “My fridge’s very well stoked, thank you very much.” Said fridge had in it frozen pizza, some yogurt he used to take before his run, and a couple of boxes of take out from the day before. “There’s fresh Italian.” Sebastian was surprised when Blaine not only brought him coffee, but brought it ready to go. He didn’t think he’d remember. He took the mug gratefully taking a long hard sip and sighing into the warm steam, feeling it soothe the ache in his brain. He hummed at Blaine’s comment but didn’t answer, unsure of what to even say. He knew Blaine worried about him because well, he was BLAINE, not for any other special reason. That chance he’d got and lost a long time ago. “Mmh?” He asked, already half forgetting Blaine had had something to ask at all. He raised eyes at him, and pressed eyebrows for a moment, wondering where Blaine was going with it.
He swallowed at Blaine’s pause, trying to understand what was taking the boy so long to say it. His eyes lingered on Blaine’s lips as they kept still, the mug cooling in his hand, forgotten. When he finally said it, Sebastian stirred, before straightening himself at how serious Blaine looked. “Is that what you wanted to ask me?” He asked, confused. Had he done something awful? Had he been inappropriate? He licked his lips nervously. “Did I do something?” There was something. Something inside him that kept him glancing at Blaine’s lips and he screwed his eyebrows as he wasn’t sure WHY.
“If that’s what you call that? You need a refresher on what a balanced diet is but–.. That’s a start. Coffee’s not a real food, yeah, but it should be and I’ll let it be enough for now,” his chin inclined towards the coffee while mulling over his question and trying to erase the sudden uncomfortable silence during the awkward moments of him asking it and Sebastian letting the words sink in. If the room fell quiet for a second? Blaine was afraid he’d back out of there before Sebastian had a chance to get one word out. Let alone give the question the reply it deserved. Whether Blaine regretted asking it or not. Sweaty palms cupped his own mug thankful for the chance that the heat might dry them before they got worse. A thundering heart probably didn’t need the caffeine but he was grateful it was there. If for no other reason than to serve the purpose of drowning himself in it if the next five minutes blew up in his face.
The green inside Sebastian’s eyes was always one of Blaine’s secret favorite shades of the color. Too far past any sort of amicable friendzone they were in to bring it up—ever—Blaine stared at the strange mix of light forest and emerald greens blended together. The olive tone of his skin bled out of his knuckles as he squeezed the poor mug harder. “Yeah–I mean–I guess I did,” he wasn’t sure how low his voice could ever get before he heard it reverberate inside his ears. Was that a whisper? Or a breath of a sentence that you just say and hope the other one doesn’t hear? Either way–he watched how Sebastian’s attention kept moving over his face. A subtle switch of attention watchful eyes caught. Because that’s how Blaine worked. He could be clueless and miss a lot of things that were aimed at him. But when it really mattered? When he was the one that was hinging on something he did? Or noticed? Or needed to know? Then, he rarely missed a thing about the person subjected to his watchful scrutiny. Years of being around people (including himself) who were quick to cover up what was really going because they were too afraid to voice it and his needing to make the root cause better honed the skill of empathy seeded in him ages ago into the exact look that Sebastian was under.
Sebastian didn’t remember. The muscles in his throat struggled visibly to swallow the previous night never once stopped being a blur to his friend. Not even for that. “Oh–oh.” Thick, black eyelashes fluttered and Blaine stuttered a breath or two. Or four. “No. No. You didn’t do anything. I mean–you were really drunk and it was amusingly messy getting you home but no.” Blaine and lying blended about as gracefully as oil and water but you couldn’t blame him for trying. A knee jerk reaction to the idea that maybe it was better this way. Maybe if Sebastian forgot? Then he was meant to forget. What would it to to them if he found out? Probably just make things distant between them again. Or break them away from each other for good. Unable to really look Sebastian in the eye until he glued together his blabbering brain–Blaine jerkily moved to fill an already full coffee cup with a refill he didn’t need. “Sorry. I don’t know where I was going witht hat. I forgot.”
Sebastian would rather Blaine didn’t ask anything at all. What COULD he say, anyway? You’re why. It wasn’t exactly Blaine’s fault. It’d never been his fault that Sebastian had just so STUPIDLY ──── No. It was a lot easier to forget it on the cock of some hot stranger, and when that didn’t cut it, on a succession of tequila shots. He couldn’t answer why he’d called Blaine, if he tried. He didn’t know why. Why would he torture himself that much? He’d always liked a little pain but that was just SAD. In a circus freak way. And he’d never pegged himself for that much of a masochist. That was always the thing, wasn’t it? Sebastian did always find someone, but that someone was never BLAINE, no matter how close he tried to cut it. No matter how much he searched for the little things on every attractive drunk stranger that crossed his way. The way he’d FELT ( and fuck him if he didn’t hate the word ) when he first set eyes on Blaine, he’d never been able to replicate. There wasn’t enough pot in the world to make him go that high it seemed, so pushing it out of his head seemed like the best second alternative. Sebastian’s mind was empty at the moment, however, sense only really starting to wake up more as the smell of caffeine started to fill the place. He’d just closed fingers around his precious box and as Blaine finished setting the coffee up, he was settled on the counter. He blinked lazily and ran a hand through his hair with a short yawn, as he offered Blaine the box, and didn’t pay much attention as he also stuffed his mouth until the former warbler outright MOANED around the dessert. He snorted, but the humor was cut dry by the sudden touch on his knee. He glanced down at the hand on him, then up again, suddenly aware of how close Blaine’d got when he wasn’t paying attention.
Eyes finally gathering their usual piercing attention back, Blaine’s touch a lot more effective as wake up call than a whole pot of coffee. His lips curled slowly in an amused smile that tried to cover up the rest, smarmy nose. “It’s what I’D do anyways.” He shrugged. Blaine didn’t have to know he’d never share a single eclair in that box with anyone else in the first place. He picked a second one and placed the box besides himself on the counter, open in offer, getting a bite and raising his eyebrows at Blaine’s next words. “Creepy, killer. But sure. As long as I get a question in return.” His wink implied the essence of the question he wanted. Despite the default joking, though, something in Blaine’s hazel eyes stirred his already upset stomach, and he pursed his lips behind his eclair as he hoped coffee would be up soon.
“Creepy,” Blaine’s face screwed up in a look of confusion as he continued to eat his eclair making careful not that the box was sat aside. Thus became an open invitation to have another if he so chose. And–face it–he probably would if only just to prolong the moment where he would have to come out with the question he sought permission to ask in the first place. “How is that creepy? I have a question. That’s all. Maybe you’re just as creepy for saying you get a turn too. So there.” He mocked a scoff and scrunched his nose up at the sleepy guy on the countertop. Make no mistake–his tongue jutted out in last ditch albeit a childish protest that he was the creepy one. With one final steamy poof–the coffee was set and he finally stepped far enough away from Sebastian that his hand dropped to his side. Coffee. Ah coffee. Bless you, coffee. For only for being the most wonderful liquid in existence but for being done so he had something else to busy himself with other than taunting Sebastian. Fun as it was? Sebastian always taunted back and Blaine wasn’t awake enough for them to play on even turf yet. Unlike his hung-over friend on the countertop? Blaine had a sleep schedule most of the time and b arely getting any the night before was going to take a few cups of something highly caffeinated to let his brain catch up enough to be an equal contender to Sebastian Smythe.
“You know? This is an extremely amazing feat to pull off with you barely having anything inside your pantry. We should take you grocery shopping for breakfasts that don’t come out of boxes delicious as they are.” Taking care to scrounge the kitchen for ingredients that he always heard Sebastian put into his coffee–except the liquor, Sebastian had enough liquor last night–Blaine hummed as he polished off the simple cream and sugar he put in his own once Sebastian’s was finished. Returning back to stand beside a set of long legs dangling from the counter–Sebastian’s cup was offered to him as Blaine took a sip from his own looking up at him over the rim of his mug as he tested the flavor. The ceramic was barely apart from his lips as he murmured… “Sorry. Mother Mode activated–I guess.” He cringed inwardly. Procrastinating eloquently could only last so long before he ended up going into lecture mode. With a sigh–hazel eyes lowered their gaze towards the half disappeared dark brown contents of his cup. “Sebastian? I know you were pretty far gone when you called me and that’s fine as long as you’re being safe. But,” he squinted up at him trying to find the courage to just ask. What if it was all a blur and Sebastian forgot? Was it awful Blaine felt a pain in his stomach at the idea he might have? Cruel as it might be considering where they were once Sebastian sobered up and the sun rose–there was something inside of Blaine that didn’t want him to forget. Maybe because it might’ve been the only time it’d ever happen. A kiss. Just a kiss. But one he could still feel if he closed his eyes. Yes. There was a huge amount of cruelty for wanting not just him to go back to being who they really are to each other the next day without that phantom lingering in the back of his mind. But he had to know.
Sebastian had always given Blaine his best casual moves. At first it feeling as though each of them worked, clicked, brought the boy in, and then, after meeting Hummel, it feeling as though no matter what he did, Blaine wouldn’t look at him. He’d given up by now, but they still came naturally. Like the way their bodies brushed softly when he passed by the other, or how his fingers lingered as he let go of his hand. And even as he stretched out, inadvertently showing off, to what he thought were just the walls, but that actually caught Blaine’s eyes behind his back. And you both think the other is just looking at the ground. It felt weird, clearly, having Blaine follow him inside his house, to his kitchen, to make them breakfast. Almost too familiar, to not really hurt, and yet it felt more peaceful and right than he thought it’d be. It was as though something had HAPPENED the previous night that had shifted things. Something had somehow fixed their step back into the harmonious dance they’d done on that first dance. Where Blaine would lean when he leaned, and breathe when he spoke, and speak as his blood rushed in his lungs. He’d thought for sure that was lost. That even though they still head the easy of people that knew each other well, that that particular feeling had been drained away and yet here they were. It itched his mind with something, some inkling of what he couldn’t quite understand. Those thoughts danced through his mind but they didn’t stick. Not quite yet. It was still floating in the heavy tiredness of his hangover, something a lot more concrete and pressing at the moment. Sebastian grumbled when Blaine teased him, but there was still a shade of a smile on his lips. “That, yeah. Coffee is a matter of survival, killer.” He gave Blaine a curious glance at his sudden rambling, but didn’t think it over too much. As they walked in, he went for the cabinets and opened one, throwing a coffee bag on the kitchen counter, and then picking up some mugs. “Machine’s over there.” He nodded towards it. There was a gourmet as well, but he doubted they were in any shape to appreciate it. Good old black Italian roast would have to do. After he was done setting the mugs and sugar, he grabbed something from the fridge and hopped on the island counter, watching Blaine from under his eyelids. “Pretty much all I know. I’m fairly sure those eggs in the fridge are fresh, but no idea about the pan.” He had a housekeeper that came twice a week, and when she did, she’d make him breakfast, the rare days he didn’t have to pass by a cafe or starbucks. “Jackpot.” He murmured as he opened the white box, grabbing an eclair from it and giving a large bite before offering the box towards Blaine. “The real kitchen treasure of the house of Smythe.” He pointed out.
Blaine settled for staring at the coffee bag tossed on the counter while he rubbed the back of his neck. Just how much did Sebastian drink last night before the three a.m. call for a ride? Apparently by their conversation? The answer was–a lot. He had to wonder why Sebastian decided swallowing down that much alcohol alone was a great idea. Was he just a call after the other’s hopes for finding someone for the night were given up? Then again–if Sebastian wanted to find someone? Sebastian always found someone. He knew that much about Sebastian. Being beautiful and reckless was always the perfect combination to filling his bed with company for a night if he needed it. A wish that he could be the same often ran through his thoughts while staring at a dark ceiling watching the night turn to morning when the quiet he was deafening and cold. Having someone there to make the bed warm and him exhausted enough to sleep would be much better than silence or a radio playing softly until he dozed off. Not that he hasn’t tried. There were a few horrid attempts at one night stands in the beginning that ended up with him feeling worse for going through with them than the temporary company they provided. Some people were wired one way, while others different. Not that one was better than the other. Sebastian’s way of life was his way of life and other than the heavy drinking that Blaine was gathering up the nerve to question him about was fine if it made the person happy. Just..for Sebastian? Blaine had to wonder how happy he was if he chased the bottom of one glass after another. Maybe they weren’t wired so different. And that was deeply stomach twisting to consider. Oh. Coffee. Blaine hurried over to the machine, filled the canister with water and–by luck–found a package of filters in the cabinet above the machine and a scoop inside the bag. Water gurgled, steam puffed and coffee was on it’s way. He perked up in spite of his train of thought. Hazel eyes brightly dancing across Sebastian’s sleepy face as he peeked at the box and felt his belly growl. Inching close–he leaned in and gently plucked up one of the eclairs. A moan slipped out at the first taste. Oh now that was delicious. Lashes fluttered and he swooned–catching himself with his free hand against Sebastian’s bent knee. “You know? Those should be illegal. Can we skip the eggs and eat that whole box? I swear I could,” the tip of his tongue slid over his bottom lip before he smiled. “After coffee–I have a question for you. If you don’t mind?” Maybe sinful chocolate and caffeine could fuel the nerve to approach the subject of the state Sebastian was in when he found him last night? No ‘out’ now. It had to.
Blaine’s fingers dancing through his hair weighted Sebastian into his sleep even more than the alcohol ever could. If he’d been awake sober enough to appreciate this, he might not have enjoyed it as freely as he did then. He’d felt it. He’d felt it back when they’d met the very first time. And finally, now, he did once more. Blaine was home. Blaine was where he was supposed to be. From all the fancy places he’d lived, none of them, had even got CLOSE to feeling like that. Sebastian felt something quiet down inside him again. Like the quiet breath of pieces coming into place. The same settling in he’d felt before and another. A new one that came from how out of place he’d been after Blaine’d been ripped away from him, by his own actions. It was always on the back of his mind, an echo of hurt. And the sudden disappearance had tugged him awake more than the car bump. It felt wrong, like he SHOULD be still feeling it, be still hurting. Hence the question. He watched Blaine’s face, hazily as the other struggled to respond. His eyelids fluttering at the touch on his forehead, before he forced his gaze to focus. His expression serious, and as Blaine talked, his eyes widened. Did Blaine really mean it?? Did he actually think that about him?? Blaine had said he was done with him. And Sebastian wasn’t used to second chances. He didn’t have relationships that LASTED. A relationship where he could try again. Where he should try again. All this time he thought it was over, but what Blaine said now, made him breathe in sharply. He went quiet for a moment, but not like last time. Still stupefied as he looked at Blaine. His lips touched the corner of Blaine’s before he could even think, even though the movement was soft, as he lifted himself to it. The press was warm and slow, and he bumped his forehead forward as a rough murmur batted Blaine’s jaw. “Thank you, Blainers.” He closed his eyes, an overwhelming relief rolling down his back. “I knew it.” He knew it. He knew Blaine and him were meant to be something.
Seeing how what he said to the man in his arms affected him so deeply–Blaine couldn’t help but feel a prick and then a scratch of guilt claw at his insides. He’d left Sebastian wondering for far too long. Cut him off and turned his back putting on a friendly front in the end and even forgiving him without saying the actual words. Things were never the same though. The closeness–that Blaine wondered if he’d made up and was the sole person who felt it in their darkest hours–never came back to the way it was before. Maybe that was his fault more than Sebastian’s. Distance was safer. Less room for anyone to get hurt if mistakes were made again. But–here they were. Years later. Blaine being the one that Sebastian knew he could call on when he was in a rough spot. Not that he did very often. Tonight was an exception and Blaine was glad it was. Their conversation might be one-sided drunk but he hoped that what he was saying sank in and lasted past the morning. In spite of all the muck and mud and blood under the bridge. Not being there for Sebastian wasn’t possible. Hating him was even less of a possibility than being absent from his life completely. Sebastian being drunk for Blaine to get it out? Might’ve been just what Blaine needed to have the courage to say when he needed to say. His breath hitched when he felt the press of lips against the corner of his mouth. From the simple contact–his whole body came to life. A spiderweb of light that began in such a tiny, but so very intimate place and ran through every limb down to the fingers that flexed in Sebastian’s hair and against his cheek to the toes that curled and pressed into the soles of his shoes. The thunk of Sebastian’s forehead against the side of his made him smile–his tongue catching the corner of it to steal the aftertaste of where Sebastian’s kiss was and he felt the world spin. “You’re welcome, Seb.” They turned onto Sebastian’s street but he couldn’t wait until they were out of the cab to sate his curiosity. “Knew what,” his whisper touched Sebastian’s chin and Blaine let his guard down enough to stay right where he was. Holding him this close, skin to skin. Breath to breath.
pianokeysandbowties 