It was funny how friendly smiles didn’t feel so friendly. Not like Sam hadn’t tried, mind you, but his wick was burning down and getting dangerously close to the point of no return. After all this time though, that really shouldn’t have come as such a surprise. After all, there was no happy ending for three, but for the other two; they at least had it set. He guessed. Why did he need to answer Blaine’s stupid question, wasn’t it obvious? Why else would he stand there twiddling his thumbs? It’s not like they ever had that much time anymore outside of school either. The more serious Kurt and Blaine got, the more they hung out; that was how relationships worked, especially in high school. So what good there had been was slowly drifting away within the winds of change.
Maybe that’d be his song for Mr. Schue’s assignment, not that it was really on his mind, but the hour had given him time to think. And that time sucked. More so because he was able to fill in the blanks and the lover’s fond farewell only furthered the bitter taste on his tongue. It should have been them. And then when he spoke it was just… Was Blaine even listening? Yeah, of course he was, he was right there but would he even bother to look at him?
Not until it was too late. “Are you though?!” Sam snapped, though it certainly wasn’t as harsh as it could have been, but it didn’t stop his arms from flailing out in an animated fashion, successfully ripping away Blaine’s grasp at his wrist. He stopped where he stood, half past Blaine and now awkwardly turned towards him. “Yeah, maybe you don’t, but I kinda do.” Whatever Blaine felt towards him, if anything anymore could easily be siphoned into Kurt for some weird sort of outlet, whereas Sam… It was just Blaine.
“It’s really messed up. The worst part is Kurt would have probably been over it by now and onto the new jock who’s actually full gay, full homo out in the open.” Blonde Jocks, kind of Kurt’s thing. He could speak from experience. “And then who knows where that would have actually put us.” Wherever or whatever it was would hurt a lot less than this. “What am I supposed to wait for? Or like, how long am I supposed to wait?” He’d been patient. He’d been quiet. “It’s like torture, I’m the stupid cliche that’s got the guy pining after his best friend, and you know what? I’ve seen this freaking movie. I know how it ends up, Blaine.” Sam’s frustration was building to the point where he was rambling, not really paying attention to how he sounded because the words flew quicker from his tongue than his brain processed them. “In like, three years when you and Kurt finally get married, I’m the one standing behind you, watching it all go down and it’s me that’s starting from square one. Yeah we didn’t think this through, but like, how long is this gonna go on for?” It wasn’t a him or me situation, but… His involvement had to stop at some point. “And then, is it just gonna be ‘just a bit longer’?”
And in general, did he really have a choice in the matter? He’d agreed to do it, and admitted it would be better for Kurt… But in hindsight, that was the kind of choice you should sleep on before doing something stupid.
“Like, do you just feel nothing for me anymore? ‘Cause if that’s the case, just tell me, because I’m sick of standin’ around, watching everyone get their happy endings,” As if high school love typically translated post graduation, but in Sam’s mind it was a simpler summary. “This is why you don’t freaking lie, because it turns into this huge goddamn mess and now what?” He should have known after last year and the Bieste Chronicles.
Blaine didn’t know what to say. This all felt so above his head and he was doing his best to try and reach for anything he could grab onto to tie this all together and hand over to Sam in a neatly bound package with all the answers inside. But he couldn’t. No matter how high he jumped, or far he reached. He couldn’t find the answers. When that’s what he always did before. People expected it of him. He expected it of himself. Not being able to find the conclusions that helped someone and their situation (which this one happened to be because of him, so it only made it worse) made his insides tense up and his brain feel like it was on the verge of screaming. It made him doubt how good of a friend he was if he couldn’t do the thing friends should do the most for someone and that’s help them.
His breath rattled as he swallowed around it trying to get as much oxygen into briefly frozen lungs as he could. Confused, almost fearful (at what though..?) eyes darted across Sam’s face like he might find his reply written in Sam’s eyes or forehead or anywhere that he was looking. Which was everywhere. His own words from last year to Kurt came back to haunt him. I don’t know what I’m doing. “I didn’t want you to walk away yet. That’s all.” Blaine’s grip held fast as he glanced down at his hand wrapped around Sam’s wrist. “I don’t want to lose you forever.”
Ouch. His teeth clenched together and he looked visibly stung at the idea he’d be just a passing phase for Kurt should some blond, out in the open jock come along. They meant more to each other than a phase. But he tried to take that punch the best he could. Sam deserved at least one good verbal throw at him. That one was a doozy. His face crumpled, brows lifted up and pushed together as a wave of doubt crashed in after he told himself that. Well. Maybe Sam was right. Maybe Kurt would have left him for someone he liked more. It would have torn him up but it’s not anything he hasn’t thought of a few times himself with the quietness that sometimes fell between his boyfriend and himself.
Maybe it would have left him free and open for Sam to come back from being gone and they could pretend Blaine, somehow, knew that it was going to happen one day and that he’d waited because of it. But that was neither here nor there because things didn’t go that way. And left without any more advice or words of wisdom or means of making Sam feel better? With all his defenses of helping stripped away?
Blaine caved.
Shifting, as it was his nature to, into a default mode of slouched shoulders and hoping that if he said what he thought Sam wanted to hear? That things might be okay eventually. That he’d finally punch the right button to stop them from falling apart and they’d get back on the mend sooner or later. If he could figure that out? Then, he could make this stop. Sam would forgive him for whatever he was doing and this whole mess would quit getting worse. “Of course I feel something for you. How couldn’t I?” He blinked and shook his head, cracking further. “Don’t wait for me, Sam. Don’t.” His touch slipped away and Blaine stepped back putting distance between him and someone he never thought he’d have to step away from. “Find someone who deserves you. Find someone who gives you what you deserve back. Get your happy ending.”
“I’ll tell Kurt the truth and..,” and Kurt would forgive him for lying eventually. They only did it because he knew how out of control Kurt felt about his life with graduation looming ahead, NYADA, building his application, his father, everything. One more thing on his plate wasn’t what he needed. Looking back? It was stupid. Why would he have even cared? “I’ll tell him and I’ll go home. Just. STOP. Please? I don’t want to lose you..not all the way. Again. So, can we please just stop before we can’t take something back?”
( mssg » blaine | sent ) this is stupid. whats it gonna fix blaine???? like are you suddenly gonna be like okay bye kurt? cause thats not you and we both know it ( mssg » blaine | sent ) lol dont worry blaine im gonna be okay. im always okay ( mssg » blaine | sent) talk to you later in glee club maybe maybe not, duh ( mssg » blaine | sent ) because i needed SOMEONE to talk to that wasn’t you. tina would just tell you and try and play doctor phil and santana would get back to you AND kurt. obviously cant talk to kurt cause lololol who else am i gonna talk to when everyone else would just loop back to him or you?? like yeah quinn was a crappy gf somtimes but she listened to me and tried to hellp after i went to her so. it is what it is ( mssg » blaine | sent ) i’m at the park but i really dont wanna c u right now. i said what i had to say
( mssg » sam | sent ) It’s not me to ignore that I’m hurting you either and we both know that, too. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to keep doing this to you. ( mssg » sam | sent ) No. You always say you’re okay. Even when you’re not. That’s not being okay. That’s making everyone think you’re okay because you don’t want to worry them. Trust me. I know how that goes. ( mssg » sam | sent ) Oh. Right. How did I not get that? ( mssg » sam | sent ) I understand. You’re right. You deserve a friend you can trust. I only wish you would have come to me instead. Having you hurt this much isn’t something I’d ever want. You know I’m not a cruel person. I might not be able to wave a magic wand and find a solution for everything..but..
“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make you try to understand that I still lo–care about you so much, Sam.” Blaine’s voice picked up where his messages left off, quiet steps coming to a stop beside the picnic table Sam was sitting on top of. He knew where he’d be. It was where they’d disappeared off to several times before and they were nothing if not creatures of habit when it came to safe places and sentimental stuff. Thus the whole rubber band effect they kept having on each other. They’d try to get away, they’d stretch fate and distance until they couldn’t stretch it anymore then crash back together in a tangled mess. Seems like lately that mess was a daily occurrence Blaine had no idea how to end.
Unless..
Hands in his pockets, Blaine turned his gaze towards the sky overhead. A blanket of stars and clouds painted across the inky blue black might’ve been the perfect thing to watch together if their situation was different. God. That idea brought back memories. Though no smile came with them like it normally did. Instead, Blaine’s face seemed lost when he glanced over at Sam. Holding his breath and debating on whether or not he should put what he was about to say out into the universe because that made them real, tangible things that he’d either do or not but would have to answer for either way. Silent thoughts were one thing. Making them solid by putting your voice behind them? Made them impossible to take back.
One last dart of hazel across blue, his choice was made as he sat on the bench right next to Sam’s foot.
“…I think it would be better if I went back to Dalton.”
( mssg » blaine | sent ) text messages is the only time i wanna have this conversation. and its NOT both ( mssg » blaine | sent ) you can’t come over cause i’m not home and even if i was home everyone would be asleep and theres no way we could be ninjas right now and i cant wake anyone up so like TTYLIGCMMN ( mssg » blaine | sent) dont YOU even try ( mssg » blaine | sent ) the first one to come to mind was kurt otherwiSe we wouldnt be in this situation and that should have toLd me what i needed to know but i didnt wanna see that and maybe it took quinn pointing it out to me to realize it but that was your answer already cause if it wasnt things would be DIFFEReNT and you know it blaine
( mssg » sam | sent ) No. We need to talk about this in person. Please? There is no way text messages can cover what we need to say. Especially not when you’re drunk. And I just need to see you and make sure you’re going to be okay.. ( mssg » sam | sent ) TTYLIGCMMN? ( mssg » sam | sent ) Where are you? Please tell me. ( mssg » sam | sent ) Sam? Why would you listen to Quinn about anything between you and I? She has no idea how deep this goes. If you want an answer about something? Ask me. Not her. Or anyone else. Me.
( mssg » blaine | sent ) i think its stupid i only ever got to kiss you once, and that kurt can do it whenever he wants. like in class (PRETTY SURE MR SHCUE ISNT SUPPOSRTED TO ALLOW THAT BTW. IDK WHY HE DOES UNLESS HE LIKES WATCHING YOU AND KURT SUCK EACH OTHERS FACES OFF) ok maybe not that bad but idk why he always has to touch you? like dude we’re here to sing remember how thats all you card about and now suddenly its all about showing off how happy and in love he is with you, which cool thats great but lmao ( mssg » blaine | sent) and there are how many people in glee club why do you two always have to be paired up or hanging off of each other, like go twirl tina or something blaine like kurt can go wheel artie around or do single ladies in thE CORNER I DON’T CARE ( mssg » blaine | sent) fuck airplane mode doesn’t work so much for that but you know what i don’t even care. it is whatever man. but i think you should find something else to do on saturday because i’m not really in the mood for a sleep over and honestly i dont even care cod came out this week. i want you to let that SINK IN BLAINE. and we ordered pizza last night so i’m NOT Gonna want it again so. ( mssg » blaine | sent ) god this isnt even about COD dont go trying to make it seem like i’m talking about something else cause i’m not i’m just talking about you and kurt ╭∩╮(-_-)╭∩╮
( mssg » sam | sent ) Sam? I’m sorry. I didn’t ( mssg » sam | sent ) No. Wait. We’re not having this conversation in text messages. Especially when you’re so upset or drunk or both. ( mssg » sam | sent ) I’m coming over. ( mssg » sam | sent ) PS. I’m not going to take no for an answer. Don’t even try. I’m already on my way and I’m not turning around. No matter what you threaten me with either. I’ll sit outside until you open the door if I have to.
Wasn’t that kinda the problem? For the good of Kurt, yeah. It made sense. He supported it. But the rest of it? It really freaking sucked. Sam had rallied in Kurt’s corner and supported him when the rest of New Directions tapped out, even if it didn’t go according to plan, and he’d always liked him but… Blaine getting involved made it all messy. They knew each other and letting on like they were just… Two dudes who went to the same school? Putting on a front to the world? Lying was exhausting, but it didn’t compare to how exhausting it was seeing the both of them together.
“Yeah, just when no one’s looking’.” Sam shrugged, though the defeat in his tone almost counteracted how harsh his words came out. It was hurt. It felt like he was playing a spy half the time, which in retrospect should have felt a lot cooler, but it really didn’t. James Bond just had to kick a lot of ass and hook up with a lot of girl’s with unfortunately slutty names, he didn’t have to worry about the emotional terrorism that came with it. Even if Sam should have been used to that by now considering his dating history.
“You know, this really sucks.” Sam finally admitted with a huff, eyes raising back to Blaine’s as his arms crossed against his chest, his back pressed against the cool brick of McKinley. Glee Club had let out an hour ago and he’d waited until Kurt and Blaine were done doing whatever lovesick duet they’d rented out the auditorium for. You know, for extra practice. Sam wasn’t sure that wasn’t code for emotional handjobs, or at the very least empty auditorium make outs.
“When we did this ‘For the good of Kurt’,” The air quotes came as his arms uncurled from his chest, a dramatic flare that quietly highlighted how frustrated he was with the situation, “I thought it was gonna be for the better. Helping people usually makes you feel better, but this?This doesn’t feel like helpin’ people. This feels like lying and the end of cancer movies and chick flicks when the one person dies and they do that stupid slow montage of all the happy moments. But you can’t be happy. Cause they’re dead.” The point was kind of getting lost in frustration. Sam sighed, shaking his head and pushing off the wall and past Blaine, “I just don’t know what the point of letting you in anymore is when it just hurts. It doesn’t feel like us.”
Keys in hand, the former Warbler cut through the back of the school towards the street he had to park on after missing any available space since he’d started his commute late. He was on a high from performing, face flush and a pep to his step that always followed after glee club practices with Kurt. Honestly, it was what he needed. The entire situation where he couldn’t quite meet someone’s eyes during the parts of the songs Mr. Schue had them singing next to one another was about as mentally exhausting as coming face to face with the reality this move was going to be a hell of a lot harder than he originally thought. But. He was trying to put his hesitation behind him. To move past the part where he woke up and immediately reached for the crimson and navy tie still hanging from the back of the chair in his room. Then felt a hollow ache in his belly when he realized bow ties were, once again, his go to accessory.
They were trying, too. Their secret was so much easier to keep when he was at Dalton and Sam was a distant presence always in the back of his mind and a town away but not near enough to have to see and be reminded of every day. Pretending they were strangers while, basically, living like they were didn’t come with the buckets of guilt he had to swallow every. single. day. now that he was at McKinley. Thinking what it was doing to Sam, feeling what it was doing to himself? Pretty soon something had to give. Or one of them was going to snap in half.
Blaine just hadn’t realized today might be that day. Maybe it’s because he was banking on himself being the one to finally break and say or do something he’d regret two seconds after he did the thing. Sam was always so patient. So kind. And from what was starting to become painfully obvious and simultaneously grate on Blaine’s nerves, so willing to help everyone else that he didn’t realize some people were close to leaving scuff marks on his back from where they wiped their feet on their way across it. Of the two of them who would be the one to unleash an outburst? Hopefully when it was just the two of them and not in front of the whole glee club including Kurt. He would have betted it was going to be himself. Hands down. Not..
Sam waiting for him after he’d walked Kurt to his car and kissed him goodbye caught Blaine off guard. Catching him standing against the wall directly in the path it was obvious Blaine would have to take from the auditorium to get to his car could only mean one thing. He was waiting for him. For a little over an hour. Blaine came to a halt, his keys rattled as he balled them up in a fist to steady himself. Two minutes after an awkward hello and Sam not answering his question on if he waited for him (obvious answers didn’t need out loud ones), Blaine said the only thing he could think of. Turns out? Probably the wrong thing..
By the time he was done listening, Blaine could have told you exactly which white rivets of his navy boat shoes had too many scuffs, which ones looked brand new, and how many cracks were in the pavement underneath them, too. But he managed to catch hold of Sam’s wrist before he could get too far away from him with a quick reach and a stubborn refusal to let go. “I’m not dead. I’m right here. That’s what I am trying to say. We don’t have to hide this much. I’m sorry. This is messed up. I don’t know how to fix it. I just..please, Sam? Wait..?”
pianokeysandbowties 