This was probably the first time Rachel wasn´t really paying any attention to the movie they were watching, but she was more focused on Blaine and the warmth she felt as he held her. For the first time she also didn´t feel like crying when someone was holding her. Maybe it was because he wasn´t telling her that things would be alright eventually, but because he was simply HOLDING her, without expecting anything of her. He was just making conversation and she could feel herself relaxing slowly in his arms.
Kurt really was a lucky guy, but then again she had known that from the moment she had met Blaine. He had always been fantastic and sometimes even Rachel forgot that he was probably suffering as much as them. With his fingertips against her cheeks she blinked up at him, lips curving into a smile. “I´m not leaving you hanging, no way.” She then smiled. “I could never do that.”
“And it always depends. Some people need coffee before doing yoga and some need it afterwards. Some do both,” She chuckled, leaning into his touch. “I usually get coffee afterwards. And subways are something you get used to. Just stick to my side and you´ll be fine.” Rachel then added, letting out a content sigh. “And I´d never want to get rid of you, why would I even try? You´re the best thing that happened to me,” She then mumbled, suppressing a yawn.
The corners of Blaine’s eyes crinkled with the genuine smile hearing Rachel say he was the best thing that happened to her brought. Honestly, having Rachel in his life was pretty high up on his list of bests too. Regardless of how quirky she could be at times. Others, downright crazy demanding.. She was one of the people dearest and nearest to his heart. No amount of temper tantrums or time or distance could dampen that. As far as Blaine was concerned? She was stuck with him for the rest of her life. Cause he couldn’t imagine the rest of his without her in it.
After recovering from a yawn that watching her do the same instinctively drew out of him, Blaine nuzzled down against her forehead and let his eyes fall shut.
“Just don’t ever give up being you. No matter what. You are perfect, Rachel Berry. Never forget that,” he whispered, “No get some rest. I’ll stay here for a little while longer. I’ll make sure you’re okay. Promise.” Wrapping her up in his arms and tangling their legs together sealed the deal.
Unseen above her head where his chin rested lightly so they could fit together just right, Blaine rolled his eyes towards the ceiling and repeated the same mantra in his head that he had from the night he got the phone that he needed to get to the Hudson-Hummel household as fast as possible.
Burt’s voice was broken, he wouldn’t answer any of Blaine’s questions. The panic that swelled up inside his chest as he frantically ran out of the house in his pajamas and a jacket pushed the pedal to the bottom of his floorboards the longer he talked to him on the phone in his car. Only to walk in on the most devastating sobs from a grown man and woman he’d ever heard. That night was the first he begged for forgiveness of all the hurt he forced Finn to help Kurt through. For the disappointment that he saw in Finn’s eyes twice by his choices. He swore that he’d be right here. Where he was…and make everything as okay as he could. He was sorry. “I love you, Rachel.. Kurt loves you, too.” Hopefully his fiance’ would stay asleep a bit longer.
Maybe this was part of why she was so glad that he was still
here. He could make her feel better about everything in an instant and she
didn´t even feel guilty for smiling. Rachel knew it was a stupid thing, to feel
guilty about feeling better in the first place, Finn would have wanted her to
be happy again, but sometimes she couldn´t help it. She knew Kurt felt the same
way and whenever they talked about it they started crying. Right now she didn´t
feel like crying at all though, she felt like smiling.
“You know,” She began, yelping slightly when she was pulled
even closer to him. Her lips curved into a smile and for a moment Rachel simply
relaxed, closing her eyes. So what if being happy wasn´t all that bad? It
didn´t mean that losing Finn hurt any less, but maybe this was their way to
deal with it. “You should,” She finally spoke again, turning her head ever
slightly so she could look up at him. “And you shouldn´t worry so much about
it. Honestly, it looks great.”
Her lips were still curled into a smile, her full attention
on Blaine now and the movie almost forgotten as it played in the background. “It´s
what makes you stick out, you know? And I mean in a good way. People will
remember you by that hair and in New York you´ll want to be remembered. Maybe
keep it that way as long as you´re here and then when you´re here for good you
can let the curls run free again,” Rachel smiled, snuggling into him even
further. “Barbra dared to be bold and stuck to her true self, so you should do
the same. Finn was always true to himself and that´s what I loved about him.”
Now that they were snuggled in so close together that he had the chance to wrap his arms completely around her, Blaine did exactly that after relaxing back against the wall of pillows she had on her bed (seriously, how does such a tiny person need this many pillows?) for support. Then used his hold, first dropping the leg beside her and stretching it out, to pull her right up against his chest. Once there, with relative ease and a little nudging, Rachel was cradled between his knees once he was in the clear to bend the one he nudged her over again. There. Perfect. Rachel had herself a Blaine cocoon and he had a pillow to rest his chin down on top of. That being her thick hair and the top of her head.
A laugh huffed out of his chest, breath warm across the strands of hair just under his mouth. “Okay. Deal. I try walking around with moderate to light gel in my hair for the next couple of days and you have to go out to dinner with me and Kurt so I have two people to hide me from view if I start to get self conscious about it. Fair enough?” One foot went in the direction of the nearest blanket that was no where close enough for him to reach without messing up their very comfortable position.
“You should grab that because I’m thinking a blanket is the only way to make this even better.” A little warmth would do them both some good. His mind wandered to Kurt in the ‘room’ not very far off. If he woke up, he’d know to come here. They could make a pile on the bed for all he cared. The closer they were to each other, it seemed the less it hurt. There was healing there, right? Before..it was 50/50 on if it made things better or reminded them of who they lost. “Any other tips for how I should blend, but not too much, for this soon to be brand new New Yorker?”
Rachel could feel the slight shaking of Blaine´s body and
she could tell that he was crying too. She adored him even more for trying to
hold it together for her sake, though she would have never expected him to do
that. He had a right to grieve about their loss as much as Kurt or her did and
he shouldn´t be the one trying to bear it all. They were all in this together
and as hard as it was sometimes Rachel felt as if they were lucky that they had
each other.
She held onto him for a little longer, trying to take deep
breaths and to calm herself down so he´d get a chance to do the same. Sometimes
she felt better once she´d let it all out and with someone there by her side it
was a lot easier.
Once they moved she watched as he took her hands and rested
them against his chest, a tentative smile tugging on the corners of her lips.
It felt good, to feel the steady heartbeat and the warmth beneath her fingers,
knowing that he was alive and here. When he told her that he´d be back she
nodded, taking a few deep breaths, trying to figure out if she´d be alright.
After a minute she decided that she was good, or well…alright. And alright was
much better than she had felt just a few minutes ago.
When he finally returned she offered him a smile, tears on
her cheeks having dried. “No…thank you.” Rachel the muttered, “I´m fine. Just
tea.” She glanced up at Blaine. “Do you…maybe want to watch a movie? You don´t
have to if you want to go back to sleep,” She wouldn´t keep him from returning
to Kurt and their warm bed, but Rachel couldn´t deny that she was hoping he´d
stay.
Oh God, he just wanted to make her feel better. Kurt, too. Feeling this helpless was awful. Fetching tea and holding someone tight didn’t seem like enough. Common sense told him that’s all they could do for one another. Be there, be close. But he wanted to do more. He wanted to fix the unfixable. And it was the most awful, powerless feeling in the world. Seeing Rachel’s face dry was one small victory that brought him a bit of peace and he’d hang onto it for as long as he could. Use whatever strength it gave him to just keep trying to ease their ache.
They were all too young for this. Too young to lose brothers or lovers or.. If he started thinking on how unfair this was again, he was going to get as frustrated as he did every time that happened. Beyond the furthest meaning of the world. None of this was fair. Unanswered questions and a total lack of any sort of reason or purpose of someone being stolen away was all they had. It was nauseating.
“Okay. Tea it is then,” Blaine waited until she had a firm grip on her mug before he took a sip from his own and crossed back over to ‘his side’ of the bed. He already had one knee about to hit the mattress when she asked him if he minded staying to watch a movie. Rachel was still wide awake and Blaine already planned on staying close until she drifted off again.
Smiling softly as he gingerly sat the mug on the nightstand and stood back up again, he shrugged and went to her bookcase to fetch whatever movie she picked out. “I didn’t plan on going away until you were asleep. Of course I’ll watch a movie with you. Any movie you want. Want some Barbra? Or how about Audrey?”
pianokeysandbowties 