for a long time sebastian just breathed in. his eyes felt wet, something so rare, as he squeezed them shut and squeezed blaine into his arms. he had never been that terrified. or maybe it was that he had. and the message had reminded him far too clearly of the moment standing above a screaming, fallen, blaine, and having to watch him be rushed away, without knowing if he’d be fine. only a lot, a lot, worse. the message today had said he’d been in a very serious accident, and that sebastian should get to the hospital immediately. he could hear blaine’s words, but all he cared about at that moment was the sound of his strong – very alive and perfect as ever – voice. he buried his face onto blaine’s shoulder, drinking in his scent like water, as he shuddered, starting to calm down slowly. blaine’s legs around him helping keep him grounded, as did the hands on his hair. he felt goosebumps, mix of pleasant and aftershock down his spine, and just tried to breathe in deeper as he blinked his eyes from the remaining welling, and shifted his face to the side so he could speak as he stroke blaine’s back, wiping his wet cheek on his sweater. ❝ those idiots….’ he mumbled, pronouncing the curse word in french, breathing in. ‘those stupide, stupid, asses.’ he pulled back and held blaine’s face in both of his, as he stared at him with a frown, still trying to be sure he was okay. he sighed. ‘a co-worker’s husband got into an accident.’ he twisted his lips. ‘apparently if they hear gay, and husband, i’m the only viable option in the entire firm.’ he shook his head, downing his hands finally to squeeze around blaine’s hips. ‘they thought it was for me.’ he hadn’t even had his phone off, but he guessed he wasn’t thinking that far at the moment. ‘got a warning saying i should rush to st jude’s right away. they freaking mixed me up with someone else.’ he ran eyes over his face, cataloging it, with relief. ‘the way they spoke… well, fuck, they said i’d better hurry if i wanted to catch you alive.’ he breathed out, heavily, then stepped in even closer, brushing their noses softly. ‘got all the way down to the car, before clark got a hold of me, saying one of our para-legals was already on his way.’ he started to relax, slowly. ‘still walked out after that, because screw them.’ honestly.
Blaine’s worry was growing second by second. The longer Sebastian stayed buried against his shoulder, concern was shifting into something much worse feeling. Was someone hurt? Was Sebastian hurt? What the hell happened? A dozen faces sped past his mind’s eye and he raced to pinpoint or guess exactly where any of the people he loved so much could be. Who would be less likely to be hurt, who he’d get a call for faster than the other (and, yet, his phone hasn’t run all day except for Rachel asking him if he wanted to go to lunch tomorrow and a few calls from the theater) and who might be out there..hurting and he had no idea. First, though? He needed to get Sebastian calmed down. Make sure that he knew they were together now and Sebastian was safe and there was absolutely nothing that they couldn’t face together. None of his worries went in the direction that Sebastian was here for him. Though, as terrified/now relieved as Sebastian seemed..it’d make Blaine seriously wonder who on their friend’s list would get such a reaction out of him if they were in trouble. In all their years together, he can’t remember seeing Sebastian as petrified as he did right before his entire face was blocked out of view by how hard they were holding onto one another.
Closing his eyes as Sebastian began to stroke his back, Blaine answered the caress by picking up his own that paused when his mind went on a rollercoaster ride trying to chase down the reason for what was going on. Strong hands roamed the space between Sebastian’s shoulders and then both sets of fingers dove into his hair again, not letting go even as his face was cupped and he had to let his elbows point down to keep them there. “Who’s an idiot,” he whispered trying to encourage Sebastian to come back to him completely. Oh god. The poor man. That’s what he thought happened? Blaine’s face softened and his eyes went as pink as Sebastian’s were though he swallowed back the lump and chased away the tears with a couple blinks. “Honey,” he frowned and used the tips of his fingers to caress back and forth against Sebastian’s scalp. “I’m here. I’m okay. I’m always going to be okay. I promise.” He couldn’t imagine being in Sebastian’s shoes not more than five minutes ago. The panic, the terror of not knowing if… He couldn’t think about that. Nor did he ever want to try. “I swear. Things are okay. See?” His lips quickly snapped into a smile before he peppered kisses on the edge of Sebastian’s nose. “Nothing to worry about,” his touch ran along the sides of Sebastian’s neck and drifted up to rest on his cheeks mirroring how his were being held. “I’m so sorry you went through that. I would have lost it if I was you.. Come here..” His legs tightened their grip around Sebastian’s waist and pulled him in closer and wide, hazel eyes searched Sebastian’s green ones deeply. “You’re never going to lose me like that. Ever. Got it?”
“I didn’t think this would ever happen. I know that you… They’re expecting us..” Their mouths were so close and Blaine wasn’t sure when he leaned in this near but he had. He could blame the dark. Because there was no way he could judge the distance when he lifted his chin up to draw close enough that no one could hear them talk unless they had their ear pressed to the door. However, when he came to a stop? Blaine knew he was off his mark and their mouths were close enough that he could feel the dampness of Sebastian’s exhales on the wet of his own lips every time each warm puff danced across them. Pulling back would only prove Sebastian’s wrong opinions of him. That he was weak. Timid. Too afraid to be himself and only who and what everyone else expected him to be. Stepford-like. Remember?
So? He stayed put. Ignored how tight his stomach was getting. Ignored how gravity felt like it was pulling him in closer..closer..closer. “We…,” he wasn’t sure if he imagined the barest graze of his lips ghosting over the taller boy’s or if it happened. It was feather-light and barely there. Too much of an impossibility for Blaine to compute he might’ve let it happen until he caught himself with a hitch of breath and sharply tucked his chin down and…abruptly stopped. Against…something warm and velvet and thrumming with a pulse that wasn’t his..couldn’t be his. Because it was Sebastian’s.
The taste of Sebastian’s neck was much different than he thought it would be expected. Expected meaning the time it took them to finish their initial knee-jerk reaction to fate the dare ending up with their names (of all the names, why Sebastian’s?) being the ones David couldn’t hide the amusement dancing in his eyes as he announced them to the room. Not that he EVER thought about what it might taste like any other time. Because he didn’t. Wouldn’t. No way. What sort of idiot thinks those sorts of thoughts about someone who hates him as much as Sebastian does? (Blaine..Blaine’s that kind of idiot..but denial is a powerful coping mechanism). All the eyes in the room (most familiar and some not..) were glued to Blaine who was beet red so far down his collar that it disappeared underneath the crisp press of his shirt. Or to Sebastian. Who Blaine was sure was blaming him for their situation. Not that he had ANYTHING to do with it. But Sebastian probably wouldn’t see it that way. The door closed with a horror movie squeak slowness polished off by a deafening slide of a metal latch into it’s loop. Did he lock it? Or did Sebastian? Regardless, they were alone.. This was going to be the longest seven minutes of his life..
And that is how they ended up like…this. Blaine’s hand unsteadily rising up to blindly ball a fistful of Sebastian’s blazer right near his shoulder into his palm. His mouth opened..more skin..right there..to..graze the tip of his tongue over before pulling away far enough to whisper. “There… Now..now we don’t have to lie..or…,” his gaze flicked to the dim shimmer his mouth left on pale skin, “…Probably doesn’t count but.. Whatever. Sorry.”
❝why didn’t you?’ sebastian spoke nearly over blaine’s words, arms crossed and eyebrows raised. why HADN’T the boy refused? sebastian hadn’t exactly done anything to make him want to help him. ‘i never asked for your sanctified help.’ the teachers had been the one to INSIST he needed tutoring, actually it’d been the dean himself whom had talked to him, saying he’d hate to have to cut his star athlete from his star team, and that he’d take measures to avoid it. those measures sebastian had learned only the next day, came in the form of a helping nerd.
‘of course you do. i’m surprised, anderson, honestly. feels good getting the upper-hand for once, doesn’t it? and here i thought your heart was as pure as an episode of care bears. i’m déçue.’ he ticked his tongue, pointedly. honestly, he knew blaine didn’t meant it like that, but he also thought there was part of him that DID enjoy it like that, and what he didn’t say was he found nothing wrong with it. it amused him that the other would probably deny him, because HE did. he wondered if that was part of what annoyed him so much on the prim boy: his unwillingness to accept even his most basic killer instincts. the nice facade got boring. and, truthfully, sebastian enjoyed the sight of that other side of him a great deal more.
the small grimace on blaine got him to smirk. he loved messing with him, so much, partially because it was so visible how his small comments made the other feel. it was a sadistic inclination, but it also stung him, as his own mouth confirmed every little thing his brain had ever thought about himself. it was different when he was tearing down someone who actually DESERVED it, of course. he had no qualms about that. but if he was willing to be honest, blaine had never actually done anything to him, nothing other than…
‘you’re perfect.’ he burst out, unplanned, but kept his poker face on, with a twist of lips, so the other wouldn’t know he’d just slipped. he might had said something else, and mocked him again, but since he’d started, he shrugged and went on with it. ‘don’t you ever exhaust yourself being the perfect, golden, boy? i’m the only one in this entire campus who doesn’t fawn and trips over every time you speak. it’s exasperating, not to mention boring. whenever you talk to me, it’s the only time you look even human. people might enjoy the good guy, bust their own egos, thing. but i like you just like this.’ he smirked. he was so much better to look at when he had his feathers ruffled. ‘and i do try to upgrade my surroundings whenever i can. it’s a burden i’ve got to carry.’ he said it all with nonchalance, and barely even looking at blaine, as though the subject itself bored him already. ‘so, moral compass, if you can stop trying to reach your long life ambition to become a talking cricket around me, you can follow me back to the dorms, and we can get this done, and i won’t bother your stepford life again. if not… then i’m on my way. alone. and feel free to talk to dean weatherby about it.’
“Because I thought that maybe you might’ve needed my help and even if you enjoy tearing me down as much as you obviously do? If I could help you..,” maybe you’d stop. Maybe you’d see that this is cruel. But he couldn’t say the words. They were right there, on the tip of his tongue, but fell silent and dissipated into nothing but his teeth snagging his bottom lip as he waited for some stroke of nerve to build back up inside. Then again? What good would it do? Sebastian already made a very valid point. If he didn’t go through with what he, idiotically, said he would? The Warblers might suffer for his blunder of attempting to make the person that hated him most hate him a little less.
Why was Sebastian’s opinion so important? Blaine would love to chalk it up to the notion that since he was a kid, pleasing people became his way of feeling wanted. He’d love to dismiss it as a means of making his years here as great as they were before he ever encountered Sebastian Smythe in the first place. He’d love to rationalize every time he felt like he was being drug through the mud and ended up hitting about a dozen rocks along the way with each taunt and outright loathing he saw in Sebastian’s eyes when he met them away. Give himself the excuse that Sebastian was so miserable that making him feel just as awful was the boy’s way of dealing with something BIGGER.
But, truthfully, it hurt anyway. Took him back to the weeks before he left his old school and how walking those halls made his throat tight and his chest in a vice grip. It was a humiliation that ran deep, turned the ache to anger. A bright, burning anger that curled his fingers into white-knuckled fists just like they were twisting into without him realizing it until his nails bit into his palms. The smirk he saw only made it worse. Sebastian was enjoying seeing him get mad. Of course he would. “How do you think any of this is me having the upperhand? Tell me why—.”
‘You’re perfect..’ Blaine’s heart felt like it stopped beating. Why did Sebastian say that? Why did he feel those words so deep? Why did it affect him the way it did? Sebastian didn’t mean that. Perfect? No way. Sebastian hated him, could never see him like that. Why’d he use that word? When all that Blaine’s ever wanted to be was exactly that.. Flaws and all. Because he knew he has so many he tries to desperately hide out of fear of being ALONE that sometimes he’s stupid enough to forget they are there and his life is perfect. Until someone reminds him otherwise. Blaine’s eyes went from fiery to soft and his mouth dropped open with another question that would never see the light of day before it was snuffed out with what came next. And his dignity suddenly felt like it was torn to shreds so fast it left him dizzy and confused why it mattered so much in the first place.
Thankful that Sebastian took his gaze elsewhere, Blaine’s face crumbled and his shoes became the only thing he could let himself see. Palming away the look, he filled the empty air with an exasperated sigh. “Yeah.. Let’s go. I need,” the word came as a quiet slip and one that he snapped back with a correction of so fast that two words nearly became one, “want to get this over with as soon as possible.” Then caught up to walk beside him, keeping his attention on the stained glass windows they walked past instead wishing he was anywhere else but here. Half-thinking out loud, half not bothering to cover up the question he couldn’t shake. “So.. That’s what you think of me? That I’m fake? Stepford personality-ish? That’s what you see me as?”
he was lucky. he repeated it to himself. he’d got his time with blaine and now it was over. but at least for those few months he got to feel what it was like. what it was like to have blaine’s hands on him, his fingers on his skin, his lips knotting and loosening him all over again. to feel actually wanted, for more than a quick fuck, if that was even possible. he wasn’t the kind of boy that ever got to feel that in a life time. so that he’d got it for a few months. it was a good thing. it was a one time window into what his life could have been, if so many “ifs” hadn’t happened. but it was too late to change now. and blaine was leaving him, after all. because blaine was that type of boy. that type of man. the one that got to live a life full of every corny thing under the sun, like accomplishment, happiness, even the forbidden “L” word. blaine was supposed to have it all. and sebastian wasn’t supposed to screw it up for him. he was the passing chapter, never the final one. kurt was the final one. sebastian knew that.
sometimes he wondered how he had ever thought otherwise. that first day when they’d met, and blaine had seemingly let him flirt with him shamelessly, and sebastian had felt like this was it. that somehow, he’d been supposed to meet that boy, and to be there then, to find him. and that blaine felt the same. how many nights had he spent awake on his bed, staring at the ceiling, and reliving that afternoon? reliving those couple of hours, and trying to see it through blaine’s eyes, trying to figure out if the boy had been too embarrassed instead, too exasperated to do anything other than smile and nod. maybe sebastian had read it all wrong. and damn him for thinking it had any chance to be anything else, that first night blaine had come back to him, and sebastian finally found out what it felt like to be kissed by the former warbler. it hadn’t been a sign either of those times, but sebastian had still constructed it all in his head somehow, among all his cynicism and skepticism, he’d fantasized anyway. and now he had to deal with the fall out on his own. they were all reasons why he was so incredibly surprised when blaine followed him to the door and got a hold of him, instead of letting him leave and never contacting him again.
“don’t?’ he frowned, confused by the other’s words. don’t what? wasn’t that the whole point of their conversation? his lips parted as he felt blaine’s anxiety and heard his words, green eyes widening, as his posture slackened in uncertainty. ‘not sure that’s a good idea, killer.’ he mumbled, unsure, suddenly out of breath. what did blaine mean? what the hell was he talking about? he watched the tears form in his eyes, and something in him cracked. he had never been good with crying people, but crying blaine made him even more scared. he felt his throat bloat, blocked with something, and at the request, he held his breath, frozen in place for long minutes, before he was able to respond. ‘i… yeah. okay.’ he wasn’t sure what else to say. he had so many questions but none of them were meant for a coffee place where people were already starting to stare. ‘we can… i can take us somewhere.’ he’d offer his flat, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to deal with having blaine somewhere so personal to rip his guts out. they could do that just fine at a hotel room, right? and sebastian always had something on pre-hold for him, before blaine.
Blaine felt his insides twist into an aching mess of knots as he stood there waiting for Sebastian’s reaction to what he was asking of him. No right. He had absolutely no right to stop him. Much less make any sort of plea for him not to walk out and leaving him standing there to deal with picking up the pieces of his heart that he, himself, broke the second he told Sebastian his decision. Maybe he could glue them back together with the jagged remains of Sebastian’s that were scattered on the floor at their feet, too. Why not be greedy that way as well? If he never saw Sebastian after today, he’d at least have a part of him that way. Sadistic and cruel as it was, it would make sure he never lost every part of the man he couldn’t stand walking out of those doors, out of his world and never seeing him again. Because that is what Blaine convinced himself Sebastian was going to do. The idea brought panic crashing heavy and hard inside his soul. An anxiety that bled cold and electric and crushed his insides in the building crest of the attack that flooded in with the idea he ruined something so precious to him.
Their friendship, their months together. He would have gone insane if he didn’t have both. The two of them together was the only way he survived bottoming out the way he had. No one could’ve given him that but Sebastian. He was who Blaine ran to. Over and over and over. And there was more than one reason for him coming back. Oh god, no, he didn’t use him. It wasn’t like that. Sebastian wasn’t only a lifesaver thrown at him when he was drowning in the idea he’d be alone because that was all he deserved. In the beginning, he was his friend. The one who knew him and listened and was always there. That was the biggest pull for Blaine. Always was. The rest seeped in as they evolved into their something more. He hoped and prayed that Sebastian’s reassurances to him spoken in whispers into his ear, felt in his touch and spoken with the warmth of the sighs that Blaine’s mouth hungrily devoured was something good. Something better than good. For both of them. Because he was sure he would break in two if it was turned into the one thing that split them apart. Forever.
Taking in a breath so fast he was dizzy after hearing that Sebastian would give him just a little while longer, Blaine nodded and palmed his hand over his mouth. “Thank you. I’m just not ready to lose you completely, okay?” Blaine suddenly became very aware of the occasional stares now coming in their direction and he tucked his chin towards his collar in a rush of self-consciousness. Creating a scene like the one unfolding now wasn’t his intention. Anywhere but here would do. Anywhere that they could talk. He’d answer anything Sebastian asked. It didn’t matter. As long as they got out of here. Together. “Can you drive,” he asked unsteadily. “I walked here..,” hazel eyes shifted his gaze towards the exit and back up to Sebastian waiting for him to lead the way since he was closest to the door, “If that’s okay? Anywhere else..I don’t care where.”
Sebastian lunged Blaine into him as he wrapped his arms around him his heart stammering against his chest, making his hands shaky as they closed on Blaine’s back. He squeezed him tight. So tight it hurt. Before tugging him more into his arms, if that was possible and pressing his face onto Blaine’s shoulder. Taking full advantage of the other’s position sat over the counter. ‘God, Blaine.’ His voice was wet, and his eyebrows creased painfully. One of his co-workers had gotten a call about an injured partner, and they’d thought the message was fort Sebastian for a moment. And it had scared the WITS out of him, before the mix up was fixed. He’d been one step out the door for the hospital, actually already getting into his car, when his boss stopped him. Just the mere thought of Blaine being hurt in anyway, had left him completely out of it.
Blaine had no idea what was coming for him. A puzzled expression was tossed over his shoulder when he heard the door open and close. Rather loudly and a little early for Sebastian to be home, mind you. He barely had time to call out a greeting–his ‘Hey! What are you doing home so soon?’ came out more like a.. ‘H–uh!’ as he was grabbed and pulled into Sebastian’s chest. Hard. “Sebastian??” Instantly thinking something terrible happened by Sebastian’s expression and how he’d run at him and was now squeezing him so tight he couldn’t breathe, Blaine grabbed on just has hard as he was sat on the counter. His hand instantly buried itself in the cool soft of Sebastian’s hair as his legs wrapped around a slender waist trying to keep him as close as possible. By the time his other half was tucked away? Worry pooled inside of his stomach so deep it was making him sick. “Honey. Honey. What’s wrong? What’s the matter?”
sebastian was already mid-through turning around, jostling his backpack further up his shoulder, when he heard the boy’s answer. he shot him a glance. damn it why did the little nerd had to be so cute?
❝bad cop, today, huh? you think you’re that much of a badass? what is that supposed to do, reel me in?’ he doubted somehow that blaine would just walk out of something that had been assigned to him and had the school counting on.
as for himself, he hadn’t even wanted the help in the first place. hadn’t wanted to admit to anyone how bad things were actually getting, specially not a boy he had had his fun with since he got there, and admittedly used as a bit of a steam relief for months now, as they were growing into their winter break. ‘as far as i’m concerned, you’re the one with a problem if my grades don’t get back to their usual status. or are you telling me dean weatherby is going to be delighted to grant resources for your little glee club once the lacrosse team goes down?’
he couldn’t help but to point it out. even if he HAD been the one to refuse the tutoring in the first place. it was the truth and they both knew it. grand as he heard the warblers had been, the club had been in trouble recently and there had been parental complaints about the lack of trophies won, considering the club a waste of time for their sons academic curriculum.
he crossed his arms as he stared at the other boy. he had no such problems. he knew his father hadn’t expected much of him since the day he’d been born. and the way he’d turned out hadn’t done much to raise anyone’s hopes. he could do whatever he wanted. the fact he still held a candle to the thought of ending up in harvard and proving his father wrong, was another matter entirely. ‘have a good day.’ he said, as he turned around. he didn’t know if the other would insist or not, but he was too tired to care. he had to try and catch up on his own now and he wasn’t sure how he could put in even more effort than he’d been already doing lately.
Blaine’s fingers tightened to a white knuckled grip on the strap of his bag when Sebastian turned and tossed his snide ‘bad cop’ comment at him. He hated being made to feel this way. Common sense practically screamed in his face to turn the assignment down the second it was given to him. Backing away slowly from the teacher and going home before any damage was done should’ve been exactly what he did. But, like an idiot, he didn’t and now look at where he was. Listening to Sebastian’s insults with a growing anger and something else that was causing a boulder sized rock to form in his throat. One that tasted extremely bitter to swallow down.
He straightened his back, refusing to slouch or let Sebastian see how much he was digging into him with what he was saying and how he was acting. Even if his heart was slamming against the walls of his chest at breakneck speed, he stood steady and forced his grip to loosen on his satchel. The insult to the Warblers, true as it was, nearly broke his resolve not to show any sort of hint as to how this rapidly unravelling situation (that he just wanted out of immediately) was affecting him.
Blaine kept his mouth shut rather than argue back. Why? Because that is what Sebastian wanted him to do. With the dig at the one thing he loved most being the icing on the cake that it just was. The momentary lapse of composure came in a quirk tugging the left corner of Blaine’s mouth into a small grimace he didn’t react fast enough to restrain.
Still…nothing. Until.. “I could have said no to this, you know? I could have. But I didn’t.”
“I’m only here to help because they asked me. It’s not my fault you got paired with me. I didn’t ask for it. I do this for the extra credit and because I like doing it..” He should have left it there. Actually, he planned on doing it since he was already standing and walking in the opposite direction would’ve been easy enough. However.. Something in him that he wanted to keep just as quiet came out in the smallest whisper. The question that was on the tip of his tongue every time he had the common view of Sebastian walking off after an insult or a jab. The tall, lanky boy would leave him standing there wondering just one thing. Regardless if he was feeling sassy or snarky enough to push back that day.
sebastian called about three different delivery places, figuring the more they ate, the longer they’d have to be occupied. he called in for pizza, some chinese, and burgers. he also knew there was icecream somewhere in the house, and he might start with that, depending on blaine’s mood. he felt the will to whack himself on the head at the hidden excitement in his stomach. he shouldn’t be excited about this, about spending time with the other boy. blaine was heartbroken and in no way there to see HIM.
he hoped blaine would have been distracting himself as he headed back to the living room, but he was just sitting there. for a moment, sebastian waited out of blaine’s vision, taking him in. he looked small and saddened, vulnerable. it struck something inside him. sebastian twisted his lips, swallowing and squeezing his nape.
he hated to see him feeling that way, and in a selfish way, he hated even more that the reason he was that way was nowhere near anything involving him. sometimes he wondered if he’d picked the only guy that was completely unavailable for that exact reason. maybe it was just easier to be on his fours for someone that would never feel it back. but what was so easy about feeling this hollow every time blaine showed at his door, and yet never wanting him to leave?
he cleaned his throat as he got in.
❝five hundred channels and nothing on?’ he asked,, nonchalant, arching an eyebrow in slight judgement that blaine hadn’t even gone as far as to turn the tv on, crossing his arms. ‘i expected more than a cliche, killer. i’m disappointed.’ he tilted his head, as blaine started to arrange himself, confused. but as he started to talk, he did concede to getting closer.
‘not always.’ he grimaced. ‘only when the warder’s out.’ he smirked some, then it faded as he tightened the cross of his arms, sensing by the shine in blaine’s honeyed eyes that this was not going the light hearted route he had hoped it would. he stared, and somewhere along the way, his gaze moved past blaine as he heard him, glazing over, not knowing where this was going, or what blaine wanted with it. he felt something sick and bitter in his stomach. he pursed his lips, and then his face slackened. for a second of stillness everything twisted inside of him and he stopped breathing, lips parted but motionless. every second he had ever spent longing for blaine to just look at him with something that wasn’t pity, or trained patience.
i keep coming back here. just be honest, please? sebastian wondered how blaine could think that was in anyway possible. he imagined for a moment actually telling the truth. what a wild concept. blaine would leave if he did. he knew that much. he was too much of a gentleman not to. and sebastian would be alone on a pile of food, feeling like crap. if he was going to be miserable anyway, he’d rather have blaine along for the ride.
he forced a smile, pushing the corner of his lips in a sympathetic facade, hands curling into fists under his arms to keep himself from wavering. ‘if you’re worried about the wrinkles, i wouldn’t bother with it just yet, killer.’ he let go of his arms and walked towards him, dropping himself onto the couch, an arm against the backing of it, and picking up the remote as he turned the tv on, himself. ‘besides, the older man routine is hot as fuck.’ he winked as he turned his head to look at him. ‘pretty sure you’ll be picking up twinks with a look, by then.’ he looked at the screen again. ‘if you’re not picking, you know we’re marathoning captain america.’ he waved the remote, as though giving the other one more chance to choose, himself.
Maybe he shouldn’t have asked the question he had. But it was out in the open now and there could be no amount of regret that would erase it from existence, so there it was. Hanging in the air waiting for Sebastian to answer it. Blaine watched closely trying to lay eyes on Sebastian careful enough that if he did skip past the truth, hopefully, he could see through the facade and..with any amount of luck, he might have the nerve to call him out on it. Probably not. But it was something he imagined he could do.
Even if, truth of the matter was, he’d probably swallow the pill and not press any further. Why keep pushing a question like that if Sebastian was too polite or uncomfortable enough to answer ‘yes’? It would be breaking apart the very fabric of what pulled him here to begin with. Comfort, a distraction, a means of spending the time he’d be spending torturing himself with what he did to him and Kurt with someone who he could trust not to judge him for it.
Sebastian would never do that. Judge him. Not to his face anyway. Not like he can imagine what’s going to happen once word of what he did gets back to McKinley. Face it. Chances were it already had. Blaine was sure if turned on his cell, it would blow up with a truck load of questions from various people that he’d rather not answer. No one in his inner circle seemed to know the meaning of the words too soon. Well meaning as some of them may be.. Needing time was rarely in his friends’ vocabularies.
The exception was Sebastian. He always seemed to know when to push, when to pull, when to take a step back. Well, after a rocky start that had him going overboard more often than not, but that felt like ages ago and now they were what they were. Right here. Right now. In understanding with one another. Or as close to it as they could get given so many unspoken things that were better left unsaid. What he asked fell into that category. Yet, it was too late and he was waiting with his stomach now in knots.
Ones that were, apparently, going to be left there. He wasn’t given one. Rather a skim past and pretend you didn’t hear me when both of them knew Sebastian did. Thing about skimming past a question like that? Sort of answers it anyway. Blaine’s heart sank. Heavy and numb in his chest. Or was it stomach? Getting up and leaving after an apology and a promise to never do it again would have been the proper thing to do. But that would be spitting in Sebastian’s face for all of his company, food and binge watch offerings as a means of just being there when Blaine needed him.
He just knew that he should taper off after tonight. He would taper off.
Running here was a mistake but one he would do his best not to make again. No matter how bad it hurt, hurting Sebastian felt even worse and he’s already done far enough damage to someone else he cherished to continue down that path here where he was running the well dry and kept coming back to take more . When did he ever become someone who did that? For now, he fought past the lump in his throat to get some air and gave his best pretending to be oblivious smile and let it go. “You think so,” his nose crinkled. “Not my style but thank you for your faith in me. And. There’s nothing wrong with Captain America. Let’s start there while the truck load of food you ordered starts coming in.” Another smile and Blaine looked away, scooting around so he could stretch out on the sofabed mattress then reached up to the back of the sofa to grab a blanket.
sebastian would feel bad for how impossibly wary blaine looked if he wasn’t so uncomfortable with the whole situation, himself. he knew he looked like a mess. and with his hair pointing all out, bruises on his face, dark circles under his eyes and cuts on his skin, while wearing a backless hospital gown, wasn’t exactly how he’d hoped to meet the other again, if they ever did. he had hoped in his head, not that he thought about it, as a sort of last desperate win that when they met again, he’d at least look presentable enough to give blaine some regret. the way he looked then, he probably just reminded the other of all the mornings they’d spent nursing hangovers together. not the best presentation.
he downed his head and tried to work inside it what the hell was blaine even doing there. even if by some freakish joke of nature he HAD been the one to find him, he should have gone home a long time ago, when it was clear sebastian was gonna make it. wasn’t that enough even for blaine’s standards of chivalry? he felt his stomach churn as something about the way blaine looked, told him it wasn’t. which was wonderful and meant that now all that was left was for sebastian to deal with his pity. again.
he’d be better off feeling pathetic for imagining blaine had been there to hold his hand when the world started to spin and darken from the blood seeping out of his head. it’d have been a whole inferior level of humiliation than the kind of pathetic he felt NOW, with the other standing there. the fact he had hoped somehow that kurt’s name wouldn’t come up in their first two minutes of conversation, didn’t help.
he sighed at blaine’s response, not bothering to cover up now, there wasn’t much good to it. he rubbed his face, and finally looked into the other’s eyes. ❝is there any doubt?’ he rose eyebrows. was that blaine’s way of telling him something was wrong? he heard the knock on the door right then and looked up just as a doctor walked in. he supposed he’d find out now.
Maybe he should listen and go like Sebastian was telling him he should. Maybe that was the fairest thing to do because Blaine knew Sebastian well enough to know that he wasn’t comfortable with him being here and seeing him in the state he was in. Sebastian had no idea that he’s been here from the start. Defying orders to go and even lying to stay put. All lies and falsehoods that came crashing down when the doctor walked in and broke his tightly guarded secret open.
“Mister Anderson. Still here, hm? Have you slept yet? I told you to get some rest. You’re not going to be any good here if you exhaust yourself. I doubt you want to be taking the bed in the next room, do you?” A quick chiding only shattered the illusion that Blaine somehow magically found out that Sebastian was in the hospital and somehow knew which one it was and appeared here.
What he heard next, though? That was the secret he was hoping he could skirt around until Sebastian was out of here and none-the-wiser on how Blaine was lingering far past visiting hours and being listened to when he refused to leave.
“I’m sure you’re glad to see your betrothed is awake.” The doctor strung out the word in the way doctor’s do when they’re trying to lighten the mood, make a joke you’re never going to get and just sound corny so you laugh anyway. Blaine wasn’t laughing. Only smiling awkwardly like a kid who just got busted with his hand in the cookie jar trying to pretend he was confused on how it got there. “If you would have trusted me hours ago, that sleep would have been a bit easier.”
Blaine’s heart sank, his jaw dropped and his slow turning stare landed right on Sebastian to see his reaction. The truth was out. He was here because he told them he had a right to be. And they BELIEVED him. “I–I.. I know. I was just in a panic. I’m sure you understand why.” From quiet to stuttering, Blaine shut up and sat through the doctor explaining to Sebastian that his wounds were mostly surface. The cuts and bruises were going to heal on their own. But he had broken ribs and a punctured lung. He broke down expected release dates, what would happen as far as treatment. Everything Sebastian needed to know. And when he left?
A click of a door never hit Blaine’s ears as loud. “I swear I can explain why I did that..”
Who’s the real you? The person who did something awful, or the one who’s horrified by the awful thing you did? Is one part of you allowed to forgive the other?
blaine stepping back had sebastian’s heart actively throbbing in his chest. so painfully like it only had in those few moments he’d been truly scared. humiliation brewing in his stomach at the thought of what he might have done. had he hurt blaine even more?! he SWORE he’d never lay a hand on him again and yet… his breath didn’t pick up, it stilled, almost impossibly quiet as he felt cold. blaine looked scared and ashamed and sebastian didn’t know what to do with it.
when he finally said it, sebastian’s had SPUN, hard. was that it? he’d kissed him? was it that HORRIBLE to have blaine looking as green as he did? as though the very memory of it made him stomach-sick? and still sebastian couldn’t help but ASK. not with the way the ghost of a memory kept dancing over his sugar sticky lips. not with the way blaine wavered as though… sebastian took a step forward, pupils wide as he waited, eating away at the green in his eyes, with an expectation so painful sebastian wasn’t sure he was still breathing at all. he frowned at the confusing semi answer. didn’t take WHAT? didn’t take it like that? his eyes couldn’t help but trail down to the movement of blaine’s throat and a different kind of warmth settled in his stomach before he forced them back up.
and then… eyelids shot wide. and suddenly it was so quiet, he wondered if he became deaf. bline kept speaking but sebastian couldn’t hear it. yes. yes.YES.
he had kissed blaine anderson and blaine had actually kissed him back. he restarted breathing with a knocking gasp like a punch in the stomach, but there was no pain in his face, only…. bewilderment. blaine had kissed him back. blaine had kissed him back. sebastian had no idea why he looked so embarrassed and to be quite frank, he wasn’t sure he CARED. his ears were still buzzing but he could hear again. the way blaine’s palm rubbed his own neck making his knees weak again.
i let it happen. sebastian moved.
he cared nothing for the strained tone behind blaine’s words. he cared nothing for the hidden meaning of guilt and something else entirely stupid along those lines. he cared nothing for the apology in the dark eyes, the way his mouth tasted like coffee and too much sugar, and his head still felt like sandpaper under his skin. none of it got close to mattering as he fisted his hands on blaine’s shirt, an almost tortured, completely open for once, look of every single moment of longing, pain, and disappointment he’d spent thinking about this. and then he was jerking the other into a tight, desperate, open mouthed kiss. the earth shifted beneath him and sebastian knew he’d never feel fully grounded to it again.
Blaine watched as Sebastian’s eyes shot open wide with a growing knot in his belly he was sure was ten loops thick. The last thing he ever wanted was for Sebastian to think he took advantage of him when Sebastian trusted him to keep him safe. He rambled on, trying to explain himself, but Sebastian’s face was frozen and Blaine felt like he was shrinking by each second under the weight of green eyes that were unblinking, unwavering set inside a face that was the very definition of SHOCK. His palm never left his neck as he tried to figure out what was about to happen.. Would he be kicked out? Did he read this wrong and it might be a good thing?
It had to be a good thing. Blaine wasn’t oblivious to the fact that Sebastian wanted him. Wanted to do what he did in the cab, KISS HIM, for a very long time now. Or so he thought that want was still there. Or Sebastian wouldn’t have done it. Unless it was the alcohol talking and Blaine was too weak to not listen. Tired of looking past the need in Sebastian’s eyes over and over because he had to convince himself that this (whatever this was) shouldn’t happen.
Losing Sebastian wasn’t an option and Blaine wasn’t sure he could risk everything.. Even if he wanted to. So bad. Time and time again. Back into oblivion those notions always went. Back into staring into space, back into forced obliviousness once the real thing wore off. Back to being safe. That’s the dance Blaine shared with Sebastian in his head. A one sided waltz of caution. More times than he cared to count. Too many.
Sebastian moved. Blaine cringed inwardly but on the outside, his lips parted into a tiny, wary smile and he felt his toes curl against tile trying to steady himself.
His shirt went tight around his back when Sebastian’s fist balled it up. This was it. No matter what happened from this moment on, they’d never be the same. Inside Sebastian’s eyes was so much ache that Blaine felt his throat close around the words ‘I’m sorry’ that never came out. Seeing that look would be enough to bring anyone to their knees. But the jerk forward made him stumble a step closer, hazel eyes rounded owlishly–hands reached out to rest against Sebastian’s chest where he felt a racing pulse that matched his. His breathing stopped. Their mouths connected. He felt Sebastian pour out utter desperation into him and Blaine swallowed it down with a quiet groan. Only to feel himself and all his willpower shatter to nothing. So much for his careful distance. It was gone as Blaine caved, inched upwards for more and gave every shred of want and need right back, too gone to hold it in anymore.
pianokeysandbowties 