Out Of Luck

kurt.

He watched him. Just watched, and waited, and felt as his energies changed. As the confusion and pain of it overpowered the anger, Kurt thought he might visibly wince. It’s not like this were better or worse than when Blaine was starting to yell but to Kurt he sounded more defeated. What a fantastic job he’s done with this boy. How did this happen?
Well, he knew how it happened on some level. He can’t say it was Oliver’s fault. He wasn’t going to force Kurt into it, he warned him of the pain he might endure and how long he’d be gone from everyone’s lives. But if he were to simply look at Blaine when he left to where they were now- shameful.

He shut his eyes tight finally when Blaine spoke. “I didn’t forget you…” He always was an emotional person, only fitting his voice would be smaller now. “I thought,” He started slowly, trying to build himself back up. “I hoped, you would somehow know. It makes no sense but Blaine I lied to you, and I left, and I’m not even human anymore- how am I worth that–worth this?” He shot an honest look to him, but he’s not entirely sure what it gives off. With a sigh, he turned his gaze to the floor. “Somehow, I had this crazy hope that you knew subconsciously or something that I was doing wrong and you’d let go so yes, I forgot you loved me.” He was rambling a little and he was starting to feel weak in a way- emotion, he knew. He hadn’t felt so sad since before he left. Returning home was happier than this even if it was emotional.

Kurt took a deep breath, steadying himself and standing slowly. Just in case he was allowed to move closer. “I know it’s not an excuse or anything but I– I’m done lying to you.” He’s pretty sure he’d answer anything Blaine asked him – except for what he did a moment ago – just so he wouldn’t have to wonder anymore.

Blaine was struggling so hard to not shed one more tear. His effort hurt a lot more than only physically. The pain in his throat and the way his hands shook with the clenching of his stomach was nothing compared to the way his heart ached, his head spun. All the hopelessness he felt swallowed up any shred of hanging onto the fact that this might be okay if he just-kept-begging to be heard more and more–second by agonizing second. Confusion filled his already large eyes. It twisted itself onto his features as he shook his head and weakly muttered, “How was I supposed to know? How was I supposed to believe that about you even if I felt it and not blame myself? Or feel guilty? When there was every possibility that you were somewhere lost, scared, and I was safe and sound thinking the worst of you? That’s not me. That’s not how you love someone.”

The death blow to his resolve to remain strong came in hearing that Kurt ‘forgot he loved him’. Blaine’s face crumbled as the flimsy wall he was clinging to in his heart gave way and fell apart. “You did? Because you wanted to? Or because you had to,” he asked but he already knew the answer and Kurt was saying something that he spoke over and didn’t quite get. Something about not lying to him anymore. Blaine wasn’t sure but what would it’ve done to comfort him anyway when there was an infinite amount of space between him and the man he loved. Not just in the flesh but in the hole he felt himself falling into. One he just drug himself out of with the news Kurt was back. But it was waiting oh-so-close–nipping at his heels to suck him right back in.

“You’re worth it because you’re you and we’re us and everything we’ve been through matters to me. I didn’t forget any of it. You did.” A rush of willpower seeped through his veins. Cold as he wished he could truly be. It helped him flatten out his expression–searching Kurt’s eyes desperately as he took a few breaths. Problem was? It didn’t stay for more than a couple seconds before he buckled back down again and his shoulders slouched, head bowed and tears hit his hands before he could reach up to rub frustratedly at his eyes. “When did I stop being enough?”

kurt.

[text|Blaine]: Good!
[text|Blaine]: I love waffles, count me in. It might be more like brunch though, considering the drive.
[text|Blaine]: A house all to ourselves, what will the neighbors think 😉

( mssg » kurt | sent ) Whenever you get here is fine. Just drive safe.
( mssg » kurt | sent )

Waffles it is then. I might even make a mad dash to the store and see what I can put together to throw on top of them other than boring old syrup.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) If they’re going to start talking? We might as well give them something to talk about.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) Oh God I didn’t mean that the way it sounded when I read it back.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) I really didn’t.

kurt.

[text|Blaine]: I have to see that to believe it.
[text|Blaine]: I’d be happy to! As long as no one gets mad at me for taking your attention on the weekend 🙂
[text|Blaine]: Picking on? Oh please that was hardly teasing 😛 Consider yourself forgiven haha

( mssg » kurt | sent ) I’m sure you will. Someday. As much as I dread it.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) That would be great! Want to meet me at my place? I cook some pretty fantastic pancakes or waffles. Not to brag. Okay a little bragging but they’re really good.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) Nah. You don’t have to worry about that. Parents are gone so it’s just me here.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) Oh! Good! Thanks for being so kind. 😛

kurt.

[text|Blaine]: Oh my god!!
[text|Blaine]: Have you seen the New Directions? I can handle your brother.
[text|Blaine]: What is it?

( mssg » kurt | sent ) Oh my god!!
( mssg » kurt | sent ) Cooper makes the New Directions look tame.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) Since it’s super late? I was curious if you wanted to visit for breakfast in the morning? I’ll cook. Or we can go grab a bite to eat together. My treat?

( mssg » kurt | sent ) If you forgive me for picking on you? I don’t want to get a very expensive shoe to the back of my head as soon as you see me. 🙂

kurt.

[text|Blaine]: 😉
[text|Blaine]: Oh lord. That makes sense though.. Do I ever get to meet this mysterious brother?
[text|Blaine]: >:O

( mssg » kurt | sent ) >:O >:O I’m serious! It could beckon ships to the safety of the dock on stormy nights!
( mssg » kurt | sent ) Coop doesn’t visit a lot. Maybe when he’s here next time? I’m not sure. He can be a bit–out there?
( mssg » kurt | sent ) Hey, Kurt? I have an idea. First forget about me making fun of your snoring before I ask. Let me know when you’ve done that and I’ll fill you in on it.

kurt.

Kurt blinked, watching Blaine move around under the covers. He wasn’t sure if he should laugh or coo. Adorable. He smiled warmly whether it would be seen or not. He had to admit the first time he saw Blaine without gel was kind of a shock, but unfortunately for Kurt it changed nothing. Still damn good looking, but with the bonus of being able to run fingers through it. “Hm?” He looked at him curiously. “Yeah, I know. I’m just thinking.” He laid on his back and looked at the ceiling. ‘and praying you forget this entire evening in the morning’ he added in his head. Embarrassment could be covered up perfectly well and he isn’t entirely sure why this is embarrassing, but it is. He soon crawled under the covers and turned on his side. He’s sleep soon enough, though unlike Blaine, Kurt wasn’t a fan of the cold spots under the sheets and tried to move as little as possible until he was out. That’s when he would wind up sprawled out and giving himself a horrid bed-head.

Toes wriggled out from underneath the comforter he had balled up around his neck. Hazel eyes sleepily watched Kurt from his viewpoint just above the fabric and he smiled a covered smile that was as warm as his blanket. “Just thinking? I can take just thinking. Get some rest and I’ll see you in the morning? Maybe we can get coffee before class if you wake up early enough.” Bribing Kurt to get some sleep with the promise of a mocha wasn’t beyond him if it meant the boy would finally get some rest. Blaine had a small secret that he didn’t dare read too much into. One that played out as Kurt turned on his side and began to focus on drifting off to sleep. On the nights that he was way too restless for Blaine not to notice? Or he could pick up that something was bothering him enough to keep him awake? He pretended to be the one to drift off first while keeping himself awake until he saw Kurt finally did.

Blaine wasn’t sure when he started doing it. Thinking back, he couldn’t pinpoint the exact night where it wasn’t a thing for him. Tonight wasn’t much different. He closed his eyes and listened for Kurt’s breathing to steadily slow down. For his movement in the bed to come to a stop. After he was sure Kurt wouldn’t notice–he’d always take a peek and put his mind to rest that it was safe to drift off too. “You’re an amazing person, Kurt,” he whispered so low that Kurt would have to ask him what he said if he was awake. Nothing but the comforting sound of Kurt’s breathing came back. Seeing he was completely gone–Blaine let his eyelids get heavy enough to close for real before daylight came and he lost what time he had left to get some sleep himself.

–Finished–

kurt.

[text|Blaine]: Haha I guess so but I doubt I’m all that mysterious :p
[text|Blaine]: I’d probably miss it too. Eventually. After I stop enjoying NOT hearing Finn play video games in the room next to mine until one in the morning.
[text|Blaine]: At least at Dalton I choose to stay up late. And I do not snore!

( mssg » kurt | sent ) You certainly are. Every day I learn something new about the mystery that is Kurt Hummel.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) My brother used to keep me up til one am running lines with him. Past that some nights. I used to groan every time it happened because Cooper running lines is not the norm to say the least? I sort of miss it now that he moved away. I didn’t think I ever would.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) I beg to differ! You snore so bad it’s like living with a fog horn that randomly goes off every thirty seconds. 😉

kurt.

[text|Blaine]: He hasn’t even been hunting since I was born, I’m pretty sure my aim is better than his at this point
[text|Blaine]: Don’t worry about it. He can be a little rash or overprotective but he comes around to everything eventually
[text|Blaine]: I’m glad one of us gets some quiet

( mssg » kurt | sent ) Is that your accidental way of informing me that you know how to shoot a gun, Mister Hummel? Why do I find that idea as intriguing as I do? Another layer to the mystery that’s you, I guess. One of dozens.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) Also. I’m kidding with you. Sort of. Mostly. Half and half?
( mssg » kurt | sent ) My house is quiet most of the time.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) It sort of makes me homesick for the dorms. I like hearing signs of life around. Not to mention your snoring has become a melody to soothe me into drifting off to a blissful -interrupted- slumber. 😉

Out Of Luck

barely breathing.

It hurt- it all hurt but it was what he brought on himself. Never once did Kurt think he would be this person. He was better than that. Was being the keyword. He swallowed dryly but kept himself as neutral as possible without shutting off until Blaine was finished. The thing is, he was right. Kurt wouldn’t have done this- without word or sign that he was even alive – it wasn’t who he was but he knew before he came here that he was different. As soon as he left he knew, and it only continued the longer he was gone. He wasn’t even human, none he less the same person. So wrapped up in his own world.
In their world.

He didn’t regret it. He only wished it hadn’t had this effect. He blinked and tried to turn his eyes back to normal but he was on the edge of tearing up and was telling himself that was cheating. He’s not sure how it is, but it didn’t feel right to look so human and not be during this. His fingertips hurt and he pressed his nails into his palms just in case. He didn’t need to freak Blaine out any further even if it was just a tint in his digits or nails growing. He reigned himself in with a deep breath and nodded slightly. “Yeah. I was selfish. I probably still am. It’s not who I always was or expected to become but it’s what happened. If I thought you’d react the way you did..” He didn’t mean to sound so.. Pleading. Or close to it at least. “I thought you’d move on, Blaine. I hoped you’d listen to what I knew everyone else would say and you’d give up and I could force myself to let go so I wouldn’t be here right now but that didn’t work out either.” He thought Blaine might find someone else to look at with that warm look in his eyes Kurt was used to. His gaze finally caught Blaine’s hand on the door handle and he felt suddenly defeated in a way. "You weren’t supposed to wait..“ It was a high school romance, how long could it last anyway? ~~He didn’t sound like himself when thinking that~~ The idea of forever with Blaine was a warming thought still, but their forevers were different now, weren’t they? He couldn’t promise anything any more.

Blaine’s fingers gripping the door handle sagged and fell to his side and hung there, shoulders slouching backwards against the doorframe as the adrenaline rushed out of him in one long, deep exhale that rattled in his throat. How was he supposed to stare at Kurt who sounded like he wanted him to listen to badly as he finally started to open up. What did he get for his trouble? Another slap to the face as Kurt told him he expected him to move on. Confusion twisted his eyebrows together and the back of his head slumped to clunk against the wood. How was he supposed to keep fighting if everything he felt–months of heartache and fear then relief and hope that was so brief it left him unable to think of anything else except ‘what did I do’–was reduced to ‘I thought you’d move on, Blaine.’ laced together with hope that he would?

‘You weren’t supposed to wait..’

He tried to talk twice. Twice he ended up speechless except garbled noises and nothing that made sense. Breaths. Stuttered attempts. That’s it. “What–,” he forced his lips apart to get the question out. “Move on? How was I supposed to move on when I thought someone was hurting you, Kurt?” He palmed the back of his left hand into his right pleading with every bone in his body and barely there voice he could muster up for Kurt to understand where he was coming from and to –Please. Please come here. Please. I need you so much I can’t stand it and you’re just standing there staring at me.– Or that you were–worse than that.” So what if he was crying when he told himself two seconds ago he wouldn’t? None of this made sense and he couldn’t hold it together anymore. “How can you stand so far away from me and tell me you expected me to move on? Did you forget me? Or who I am? Or who we are–were–what are we now?” Why did he ask that? He wasn’t sure he could take the answer. “I love you, Kurt. I love you so much,” he swallowed thick and wiped across his mouth with a shaking hand. “Please tell me you didn’t forget that, too?”

meme continuation. @angelfacedhummel

kurt.

[text]: My dad asked me how you were over dinner, and he’s horrible with names. You’re officially welcome here again 🙂
[text]: I know I’ll see you on Monday but I’m really happy about this. I miss you.

( mssg » kurt | sent ) He did? I am? Wow, Kurt! That’s great!
( mssg » kurt | sent ) Unless I’m welcome so he can shoot the boy he found waking up in his son’s bed? He might be remembering my name so he can file a Missing Person’s Report? 🙂
( mssg » kurt | sent ) I still feel awful about that being how we met. God, I’ll never live it down to myself.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) So happy he might give me another chance. He seems like such a great guy and the way you talk about him only proves that’s the case. I miss you too. It’s too quiet when you’re not around.