kurt.

He watched him. Just watched, and waited, and felt as his energies changed. As the confusion and pain of it overpowered the anger, Kurt thought he might visibly wince. It’s not like this were better or worse than when Blaine was starting to yell but to Kurt he sounded more defeated. What a fantastic job he’s done with this boy. How did this happen?
Well, he knew how it happened on some level. He can’t say it was Oliver’s fault. He wasn’t going to force Kurt into it, he warned him of the pain he might endure and how long he’d be gone from everyone’s lives. But if he were to simply look at Blaine when he left to where they were now- shameful.

He shut his eyes tight finally when Blaine spoke. “I didn’t forget you…” He always was an emotional person, only fitting his voice would be smaller now. “I thought,” He started slowly, trying to build himself back up. “I hoped, you would somehow know. It makes no sense but Blaine I lied to you, and I left, and I’m not even human anymore- how am I worth that–worth this?”  He shot an honest look to him, but he’s not entirely sure what it gives off.  With a sigh, he turned his gaze to the floor.  “Somehow, I had this crazy hope that you knew subconsciously or something that I was doing wrong and you’d let go so yes, I forgot you loved me.”  He was rambling a little and he was starting to feel weak in a way- emotion, he knew.  He hadn’t felt so sad since before he left.  Returning home was happier than this even if it was emotional.

Kurt took a deep breath, steadying himself and standing slowly. Just in case he was allowed to move closer.  “I know it’s not an excuse or anything but I– I’m done lying to you.”  He’s pretty sure he’d answer anything Blaine asked him – except for what he did a moment ago – just so he wouldn’t have to wonder anymore.

Blaine was struggling so hard to not shed one more tear.  His effort hurt a lot more than only physically.  The pain in his throat and the way his hands shook with the clenching of his stomach was nothing compared to the way his heart ached, his head spun. All the hopelessness he felt swallowed up any shred of hanging onto the fact that this might be okay if he just-kept-begging to be heard more and more–second by agonizing second.  Confusion filled his already large eyes.  It twisted itself onto his features as he shook his head and weakly muttered, “How was I supposed to know?  How was I supposed to believe that about you even if I felt it and not blame myself?  Or feel guilty?  When there was every possibility that you were somewhere lost, scared, and I was safe and sound thinking the worst of you?  That’s not me.  That’s not how you love someone.”

The death blow to his resolve to remain strong came in hearing that Kurt ‘forgot he loved him’. Blaine’s face crumbled as the flimsy wall he was clinging to in his heart gave way and fell apart. “You did?  Because you wanted to?  Or because you had to,” he asked but he already knew the answer and Kurt was saying something that he spoke over and didn’t quite get. Something about not lying to him anymore.  Blaine wasn’t sure but what would it’ve done to comfort him anyway when there was an infinite amount of space between him and the man he loved.  Not just in the flesh but in the hole he felt himself falling into.  One he just drug himself out of with the news Kurt was back.  But it was waiting oh-so-close–nipping at his heels to suck him right back in.

“You’re worth it because you’re you and we’re us and everything we’ve been through matters to me.  I didn’t forget any of it.  You did.”  A rush of willpower seeped through his veins.  Cold as he wished he could truly be.  It helped him flatten out his expression–searching Kurt’s eyes desperately as he took a few breaths.  Problem was? It didn’t stay for more than a couple seconds before he buckled back down again and his shoulders slouched, head bowed and tears hit his hands before he could reach up to rub frustratedly at his eyes. “When did I stop being enough?”