sebastian.

                                                                          he was lucky. he repeated it to himself. he’d got his time with blaine and now it was over. but at least for those few months he got to feel what it was like. what it was like to have blaine’s hands on him, his fingers on his skin, his lips knotting and loosening him all over again. to feel actually wanted, for more than a quick fuck, if that was even possible. he wasn’t the kind of boy that ever got to feel that in a life time. so that he’d got it for a few months. it was a good thing. it was a one time window into what his life could have been, if so many “ifs” hadn’t happened. but it was too late to change now. and blaine was leaving him, after all. because blaine was that type of boy. that type of man. the one that got to live a life full of every corny thing under the sun, like accomplishment, happiness, even the forbidden “L” word. blaine was supposed to have it all. and sebastian wasn’t supposed to screw it up for him. he was the passing chapter, never the final one. kurt was the final one. sebastian knew that. 

sometimes he wondered how he had ever thought otherwise. that first day when they’d met, and blaine had seemingly let him flirt with him shamelessly, and sebastian had felt like this was it. that somehow, he’d been supposed to meet that boy, and to be there then, to find him. and that blaine felt the same. how many nights had he spent awake on his bed, staring at the ceiling, and reliving that afternoon? reliving those couple of hours, and trying to see it through blaine’s eyes, trying to figure out if the boy had been too embarrassed instead, too exasperated to do anything other than smile and nod. maybe sebastian had read it all wrong. and damn him for thinking it had any chance to be anything else, that first night blaine had come back to him, and sebastian finally found out what it felt like to be kissed by the former warbler. it hadn’t been a sign either of those times, but sebastian had still constructed it all in his head somehow, among all his cynicism and skepticism, he’d fantasized anyway. and now he had to deal with the fall out on his own. they were all reasons why he was so incredibly surprised when blaine followed him to the door and got a hold of him, instead of letting him leave and never contacting him again. 

“don’t?’ he frowned, confused by the other’s words. don’t what? wasn’t that the whole point of their conversation? his lips parted as he felt blaine’s anxiety and heard his words, green eyes widening, as his posture slackened in uncertainty. ‘not sure that’s a good idea, killer.’ he mumbled, unsure, suddenly out of breath. what did blaine mean? what the hell was he talking about? he watched the tears form in his eyes, and something in him cracked. he had never been good with crying people, but crying blaine made him even more scared. he felt his throat bloat, blocked with something, and at the request, he held his breath, frozen in place for long minutes, before he was able to respond. ‘i… yeah. okay.’ he wasn’t sure what else to say. he had so many questions but none of them were meant for a coffee place where people were already starting to stare. ‘we can… i can take us somewhere.’ he’d offer his flat, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to deal with having blaine somewhere so personal to rip his guts out. they could do that just fine at a hotel room, right? and sebastian always had something on pre-hold for him, before blaine. 

      Blaine felt his insides twist into an aching mess of knots as he stood there waiting for Sebastian’s reaction to what he was asking of him.  No right.  He had absolutely no right to stop him.  Much less make any sort of plea for him not to walk out and leaving him standing there to deal with picking up the pieces of his heart that he, himself, broke the second he told Sebastian his decision.  Maybe he could glue them back together with the jagged remains of Sebastian’s that were scattered on the floor at their feet, too.  Why not be greedy that way as well?  If he never saw Sebastian after today, he’d at least have a part of him that way.  Sadistic and cruel as it was, it would make sure he never lost every part of the man he couldn’t stand walking out of those doors, out of his world and never seeing him again.  Because that is what Blaine convinced himself Sebastian was going to do.  The idea brought panic crashing heavy and hard inside his soul.  An anxiety that bled cold and electric and crushed his insides in the building crest of the attack that flooded in with the idea he ruined something so precious to him.  

Their friendship, their months together.  He would have gone insane if he didn’t have both. The two of them together was the only way he survived bottoming out the way he had.  No one could’ve given him that but Sebastian.  He was who Blaine ran to.  Over and over and over. And there was more than one reason for him coming back.  Oh god, no, he didn’t use him.  It wasn’t like that.  Sebastian wasn’t only a lifesaver thrown at him when he was drowning in the idea he’d be alone because that was all he deserved.  In the beginning, he was his friend.  The one who knew him and listened and was always there.  That was the biggest pull for Blaine. Always was.  The rest seeped in as they evolved into their something more.  He hoped and prayed that Sebastian’s reassurances to him spoken in whispers into his ear, felt in his touch and spoken with the warmth of the sighs that Blaine’s mouth hungrily devoured was something good. Something better than good.  For both of them.  Because he was sure he would break in two if it was turned into the one thing that split them apart. Forever.

Taking in a breath so fast he was dizzy after hearing that Sebastian would give him just a little while longer,  Blaine nodded and palmed his hand over his mouth.  “Thank you.  I’m just not ready to lose you completely, okay?”  Blaine suddenly became very aware of the occasional stares now coming in their direction and he tucked his chin towards his collar in a rush of self-consciousness. Creating a scene like the one unfolding now wasn’t his intention.  Anywhere but here would do.  Anywhere that they could talk.  He’d answer anything Sebastian asked.  It didn’t matter.  As long as they got out of here.  Together.  “Can you drive,” he asked unsteadily.  “I walked here..,” hazel eyes shifted his gaze towards the exit and back up to Sebastian waiting for him to lead the way since he was closest to the door, “If that’s okay?  Anywhere else..I don’t care where.”