Cooper’s eyebrows shot up as Blaine suddenly blurted out everything, he’d known that Blaine wasn’t himself, but he wasn’t quite expecting that. Still, he’d offered to help, and he was still working on being the big brother that Blaine deserved, so he made a mental vow to do whatever he could to help Blaine get through all of this. “Okay…” he said slowly, picking up the two mugs and carrying them over to the table in the middle of the room, gesturing for Blaine to follow him, this wasn’t a conversation that imagined they could have standing up.
“So when you say chaotic, you mean…?” he was a little ashamed to admit that he didn’t know the entirety of what was going on with his brother right now, he knew he had that competition the next morning, when Cooper was planning on showing up show his support, but everything else? Yeah, he didn’t have a clue. He picked up his mug, taking a small sip from it, though he kept his eyes fixed on Blaine, studying him the entire time, “You know you’re going to kick ass tomorrow, you were born to be on that stage, you don’t need to question that, ever. But, everything else? That’s just life, Squirt, none of us can predict what’s going to happen, we just have to ride it out. But you don’t need to keep it to yourself, don’t bottle it up until it gets you like this, you hear me?” he reached across the table, placing his hand on top of Blaine’s and giving it a little squeeze.
Sitting down facing Cooper, Blaine lifted his bare feet and pressed the backs of his heels against the lip of his chair. Knees bent and shins braced to the edge of the table, he wrapped one arm loosely around his knees and stretched the other out as far as he could. Fingers up, a slight curl to them was a silent plea for a touch or anything close to it that he could get to feel connected to someone who’d keep him grounded. The world felt like it was slipping away. Like at any moment, the floor could open up and he’d fall in and end up tumbling head over heels in a dizzying forever. Because that’s what every night felt since he lost Kurt. Why? He was so stupid and ruined them. That’s why. Half his friends were gone. The place he was drawn to return to because it felt like home, when McKinley felt like a haunted house he had to walk through the halls of day in and day out, seemed to be crumbling apart at the hands of a psycho. Instead of fixing it, of fighting for the place he loved, he went back to McKinley. Essentially turning his back on people who meant the world to him and needed him because what the hell were they becoming?
And that was only the dark part of the iceberg. The stuff above the surface? The smaller things? Were so stacked on top of each other that he felt like they could reach the sky and disappear into the clouds. “This isn’t like me. I know,” the touch he was waiting for came and he clamped his hand around Cooper’s tight holding on for dear life. “I talk about my problems. I don’t get this way. Or so everyone thinks.. How am I supposed to ride this out, Coop? I don’t even know what road I’m on.. I’m..I’m lost. For the first time in over a year. I feel..,” his shoulders shrugged hopelessly in time with the word, “lost. I’m trying so hard to find my way back again. I will. I always do. I’m just struggling right now. That’s all.”
( mssg » kurt | sent ) I’m sorry this is so late. I didn’t know what to say and then I fell asleep before Tina even left. I haven’t been able to stop looking at your text now that I’m awake. You may be sleeping when you get this but maybe that’s for the best anyway.. ( mssg » kurt | sent ) Kurt, it was wrong to ask anything close to that. I didn’t deserve an answer but thank you for giving me one. It may sound desperate and full of a stupid amount of hope that I’ll do whatever it takes to, someday, be able to fix things completely. I can’t lose that chance.. ( mssg » kurt | sent )
I’m past the point of caring about stupid or desperate because you know how I feel. All I care about is saying thank you. Thank you for telling me this. I have no right to feel the relief I feel right now. I’m the last person in the world who deserves that, too. All things considered. Just..thank you. Okay? I hope you’re sleeping safe and warm.
“Can be.” Truthfully the things he saw didn’t bother him like they used to. Surely not as much as they should. Being desensitized wasn’t the nicest way to put it, but he’s heard that it happened to everyone; eventually any sort of blood and gore was simply normal. Sooner for some than others. In Barry’s case it wasn’t so much that it made him sick even before his life changed as drastically as it has, rather, he spent less time wondering about the bodies found. The sights and smells he had been used to already, none were haunting him in his sleep but for some there was the question was who they were, what they were like. If even the criminals deserved their fate.
Blaine was the first in a while to say he was proud of Barry. He thinks the last was when he was new to his powers, Joe was patting him on the back for the good he had initially focussed on as a speedster. So much had changed since then. Even if he didn’t abandon the goal of helping the city when other metas attack, there wasn’t much to be proud of him for these days. All the same he couldn’t explain such things to Blaine, ask him if he was sure about his statement. Instead Barry smiles a bit lopsided at his drink and replies with a simple, “Thanks.”
Blaine’s smile was easier to think about. It was a sight that he honestly has missed. “I haven’t, actually. I think about it sometimes, but it always turns into pretending to be someone else again for a little while?” A second of a pause passes and Barry chuckles at himself. “But that’s a little bit too deep for the first time I get with an old friend again, okay um.. You can ignore that part. Maybe someday.”
Words that were on the tip of his tongue fell silent. He wanted to ask how he could deal with seeing those things. What sort of coping mechanisms did he have that got him through each day and into bed every night? Did he have someone he could lean on? Someone he could trust to listen to the bad and try to shower him with good things to think about so he could drift away peacefully instead of the nightmares Blaine pictured himself having after seeing the wild images he could drum up in his head that Barry saw on a day to day basis. Though, he was fairly sure that the questions would be far too none of his business for a friendship that was just now on the verge of rekindling after so many years apart.
“You’re welcome..” Because he was proud of Barry. From what he could see in the short time they spent at the bar talking? The former Warbler had grown immensely over the years. It was almost hard to picture him the tall, lanky boy with the cat-that-ate-the-canary smile and devilishly handsome face (though that hadn’t changed, SebastianBarry would always be handsome) who made him such a stuttering mess because of his outspoken flirtations and eyes that pierced him so deeply he was often left hiding the fact that he was breathless and full of wonder. Yet, here he was and Blaine couldn’t stop his ever growing curiosity of how he ended up becoming..this person.
“I don’t mind deep. I guess I wasn’t thinking about what you would have to do if you went there again. There’s really nothing to go back for me either. A handful of friends. Most of them moved on by now. Sam and I visit a couple times a year. My parents from time to time. Why leave here? You know?” Finishing off his drink, Blaine checked out Barry’s and decided to order them another round. “It’s crazy. Seeing you again. Seeing what you’ve become. It’s not what I expected..but better. Not that what I expected was bad.. Just. Are you happy?”
Puck wasn’t about to argue with Blaine. If the Warbler wanted to pay for their dinner, that was fine with him! “Yay, we’re gonna have pizza and a sugar high! That’s a pretty great combo, if ya ask me!” The mohawked teen quickly nodded his head. “I LOVE deep dish pizza. It’s fucking amazing! Its almost better than sex.” He liked the fact that Blaine felt so comfortable around him. It made him feel really happy which was an emotion he didn’t often feel because of his temper. “You better be referring to A New Hope ‘cause if we start with what’s now considered the first movie, I might scream. And judge you harshly, which we wouldn’t want to happen!”
“Sounds like the perfect way to start a night,” Blaine looked up from his phone as he found the number and laughed. Seeing Puck so into getting pizza was something he didn’t expect. Seriously though? Who can blame him for being enthusiastic about pizza? No one in their right mind. That’s who. Words that were so close to coming off the tip of his tongue about him having to take Puck’s word for the comparison fell silent at the last second. Maybe he was a little too comfortable if he nearly let that slip. Anyway. He palmed his flustered smile and wiped it away before jumping to the chance to call up the pizza joint and order one pizza with everything, another with just cheese and soda. After a polite thank you, he tucked his phone away on the end table and gave Puck a lopsided grin. “Of course I am. Hey! No judging me! We’re in agreement here and do I look like a guy who would go the path of the Dark Side on which movie is number one? Seriously, Puck.” His grin widened and eyes lit up. “I thought you knew me.”
“Well that’s—” An angry exhale. “—that’s such a jerk move!” Honestly, if the entirety of Lemonade Mouth were here, not just Liv and Mo herself, they’d start another revolution. A revolution against slushies being thrown in people’s faces. “They probably think it’s funny or something,” Mo sighed, rolling her eyes. But she smiled warmly once she saw Blaine grin and perk up: “Meeting Ray Beech? I went to school with him before I transferred to McKinley. That’s a wide smile you got there, B. You a fan of his?”
“Oh, they get their kicks off it. That’s for sure. Otherwise? They’d find something better to do with their time,” Blaine bit his bottom lip to keep himself from rambling on. Watching his friends walk away dripping with ice shavings in various dyed colors that never washed off of anything they wore was enough to make him even more homesick for Dalton each time it happened. But having Kurt closeby was worth the trade off of getting a crash course in slushie-in-the-face first aid. Which, by the way, no matter how much you’re warned about? You never really get a full taste of how awful it is until you have to help someone through that humiliation in person. Letting it go, he felt his face warm up with the question. “I.. I mean,” he blinked and stuttered which only made the warmth get worse (and pinker on his cheeks), “Yeah, I guess. I used to think he was really cute. Don’t laugh..” A plea that came as he started laughing at himself in spite of it.
// How long does it take me to answer some things in my inbox, you ask? About as long as we’ve been waiting for a full length Darren Criss album. I get there eventually though!
1. My family. Including mah puppers. 2. My friends. Online and offline. I got some amazing people I love, ok?? 3. Coffee. Seriously. It makes me happy just to have a coffee sometimes. 4. Being creative. Whether that’s writing or painting or whatever. 5. Music. Without music, I’d be lost most days. I always have something playing.
pianokeysandbowties 