pianokeysandbowties

sebastian.

                                                     sebastian called about three different delivery places, figuring the more they ate, the longer they’d have to be occupied. he called in for pizza, some chinese, and burgers. he also knew there was icecream somewhere in the house, and he might start with that, depending on blaine’s mood. he felt the will to whack himself on the head at the hidden excitement in his stomach. he shouldn’t be excited about this, about spending time with the other boy. blaine was heartbroken and in no way there to see HIM. 

he hoped blaine would have been distracting himself as he headed back to the living room, but he was just sitting there. for a moment, sebastian waited out of blaine’s vision, taking him in. he looked small and saddened, vulnerable. it struck something inside him. sebastian twisted his lips, swallowing and squeezing his nape. 

he hated to see him feeling that way, and in a selfish way, he hated even more that the reason he was that way was nowhere near anything involving him. sometimes he wondered if he’d picked the only guy that was completely unavailable for that exact reason. maybe it was just easier to be on his fours for someone that would never feel it back. but what was so easy about feeling this hollow every time blaine showed at his door, and yet never wanting him to leave?

he cleaned his throat as he got in. 

❝five hundred channels and nothing on?’ he asked,, nonchalant, arching an eyebrow in slight judgement that blaine hadn’t even gone as far as to turn the tv on, crossing his arms. ‘i expected more than a cliche, killer. i’m disappointed.’ he tilted his head, as blaine started to arrange himself, confused. but as he started to talk, he did concede to getting closer.

‘not always.’ he grimaced. ‘only when the warder’s out.’ he smirked some, then it faded as he tightened the cross of his arms, sensing by the shine in blaine’s honeyed eyes that this was not going the light hearted route he had hoped it would. he stared, and somewhere along the way, his gaze moved past blaine as he heard him, glazing over, not knowing where this was going, or what blaine wanted with it. he felt something sick and bitter in his stomach. he pursed his lips, and then his face slackened. for a second of stillness everything twisted inside of him and he stopped breathing, lips parted but motionless. every second he had ever spent longing for blaine to just look at him with something that wasn’t pity, or trained patience.  

i keep coming back here. just be honest, please?  sebastian wondered how blaine could think that was in anyway possible. he imagined for a moment actually telling the truth. what a wild concept. blaine would leave if he did. he knew that much. he was too much of a gentleman not to. and sebastian would be alone on  a pile of food, feeling like crap. if he was going to be miserable anyway, he’d rather have blaine along for the ride. 

he forced a smile, pushing the corner of his lips in a sympathetic facade, hands curling into fists under his arms to keep himself from wavering. ‘if you’re worried about the wrinkles, i wouldn’t bother with it just yet, killer.’ he let go of his arms and walked towards him, dropping himself onto the couch, an arm against the backing of it, and picking up the remote as he turned the tv on, himself. ‘besides, the older man routine is hot as fuck.’ he winked as he turned his head to look at him. ‘pretty sure you’ll be picking up twinks with a look, by then.’ he looked at the screen again. ‘if you’re not picking, you know we’re marathoning captain america.’ he waved the remote, as though giving the other one more chance to choose, himself.

      Maybe he shouldn’t have asked the question he had.  But it was out in the open now and there could be no amount of regret that would erase it from existence, so there it was.  Hanging in the air waiting for Sebastian to answer it.  Blaine watched closely trying to lay eyes on Sebastian careful enough that if he did skip past the truth, hopefully, he could see through the facade and..with any amount of luck, he might have the nerve to call him out on it.  Probably not.  But it was something he imagined he could do.  

Even if, truth of the matter was, he’d probably swallow the pill and not press any further.  Why keep pushing a question like that if Sebastian was too polite or uncomfortable enough to answer ‘yes’?  It would be breaking apart the very fabric of what pulled him here to begin with. Comfort, a distraction, a means of spending the time he’d be spending torturing himself with what he did to him and Kurt with someone who he could trust not to judge him for it.  

Sebastian would never do that. Judge him.  Not to his face anyway.  Not like he can imagine what’s going to happen once word of what he did gets back to McKinley.  Face it.  Chances were it already had.  Blaine was sure if turned on his cell, it would blow up with a truck load of questions from various people that he’d rather not answer. No one in his inner circle seemed to know the meaning of the words too soon. Well meaning as some of them may be..  Needing time was rarely in his friends’ vocabularies.  

The exception was Sebastian.  He always seemed to know when to push, when to pull, when to take a step back.  Well, after a rocky start that had him going overboard more often than not, but that felt like ages ago and now they were what they were.  Right here.  Right now.  In understanding with one another.  Or as close to it as they could get given so many unspoken things that were better left unsaid.  What he asked fell into that category. Yet, it was too late and he was waiting with his stomach now in knots.

Ones that were, apparently, going to be left there.  He wasn’t given one.  Rather a skim past and pretend you didn’t hear me when both of them knew Sebastian did.  Thing about skimming past a question like that?  Sort of answers it anyway.  Blaine’s heart sank.  Heavy and numb in his chest.  Or was it stomach?  Getting up and leaving after an apology and a promise to never do it again would have been the proper thing to do.  But that would be spitting in Sebastian’s face for all of his company, food and binge watch offerings as a means of just being there when Blaine needed him.  

He just knew that he should taper off after tonight.  He would taper off.  

Running here was a mistake but one he would do his best not to make again.  No matter how bad it hurt, hurting Sebastian felt even worse and he’s already done far enough damage to someone else he cherished to continue down that path here where he was running the well dry and kept coming back to take more .  When did he ever become someone who did that?  For now, he fought past the lump in his throat to get some air and gave his best pretending to be oblivious smile and let it go.  “You think so,” his nose crinkled.  “Not my style but thank you for your faith in me. And.  There’s nothing wrong with Captain America.  Let’s start there while the truck load of food you ordered starts coming in.”  Another smile and Blaine looked away, scooting around so he could stretch out on the sofabed mattress then reached up to the back of the sofa to grab a blanket.