Sebastian felt empty. He knew that Blaine walking out wouldn’t make him feel any better. The damage was done now, and he wouldn’t be able to get Blaine out of his head for weeks, much less the next few hours, locked in a white room alone and bored out of his mind. He was between a rock and a hard place, as he usually was when it came down to Blaine. The other staying would only give him bitterness over the fact that he wasn’t SUPPOSED to be there in the first place, and that nothing good ever came out of it in the end. He’d gone through that road too many times now not to know better. And on the other hand, he didn’t want to be alone either, but it seemed like the only option. He played vaguely with the idea of going through phone’s contacts, looking for someone he could call, that’d actually show up to something like this. There was none, of course. He didn’t have FRIENDS, not like Blaine, he had booty calls, and acquaintances. And for most part he was fine with it. Except for times like these.
Blaine looked like he was about to implode, and Sebastian felt pissed about how much he hated to see him like that, and yet he also knew he’d hate more to see a different type of guilt in his eyes. He wondered if Blaine regretted ever helping him. He felt his throat tighten bitterly, and he had to ask. He had to know what was going through Blaine’s head when he did that. If he even cared at all, still.
He looked at Blaine as Blaine didn’t look at him, and felt frustrated that he couldn’t just see through the honeyed eyes, like he usually did. He screwed his eyebrows at the words, frowning, then swallowed.
“Sure… Just not enough, right?” Only enough to put them through shit, but not enough to want to actually stick around. “I can’t— DO this, anymore, Blaine. We can’t keep starring in this shitshow. This whole pretending I’m one of your ducklings, thing. It’s not true. We both know that. And it feels like hell.” He swallowed, tighter, chapped lips parting. He hated to admit those things, but he had no choice. “This halfway thing we’ve always had, it doesn’t work.” He gave him a look, daring Blaine to contradict him. Even back when they were just trying to be friends, Blaine was embarrassed of it, hiding it from his real ones, keeping Sebastian at arm’s length. And even after they’d finally shared a bed, it’d still been a font of guilt and shame, and something that could never live out of four walls. “Never did.” He grasped at the sheets on his lap with his non injured hand. “And it doesn’t go anywhere good.” He downed his eyes then, looking sideways. “You gotta let go.” And I do too.
Hurt eyes watched Sebastian warily. His breath stopped and he was frozen. Every bit of himself waiting for the reaction to his reply to come crashing down because that was exactly what he knew was going to happen. Sebastian asked the question but he already had the answer in his head. Blaine’s gut told him that regardless of how what he said? Sebastian’s mind was made up. He made a mistake. He wasn’t welcome here. Nothing he said he did could change those two facts. But he didn’t regret coming. There wasn’t a shred of a fiber in his being that would allow him to turn his back on someone he cared about after witnessing them nearly die and walk away as if he was never there.
Blaine would rather take any amount of pain than live with the question of what might’ve happened had things been a little worse when they got here. If Sebastian might’ve been gone forever in a matter of minutes. Or hours. He would have to live with himself knowing that he was last person who to see him and could’ve been there. Only, instead, he simply left him to suffer alone. Maybe that amount of guilt was what he deserved. Not knowing, going home, sitting up forever reading the newspaper or calling hospitals to see if Sebastian made it without him being any the wiser that someone out there was worried. Maybe that panic was what fate decided to dish out to him. God knows he was a horrible person to him when they were close. What right did he have to the peace of mind that he felt last night knowing Sebastian was safe and he’d be okay? None.
Nor did he have any right to hope that this might be some sort of turning point. That Sebastian would listen to his truth and, if he was willing, let him be there to help. A groundwork for something better than they ever had. Something built from the literal pavement up.
“I get it,” his voice cracked and his heart fell, “I never gave you enough. You’ve made that abundantly clear. All of this was a mistake. I understand. How many times do you have to say it? I messed up. Is it really a surprise? That’s all I ever seem capable of doing with you. I made the wrong choice coming and an even poorer one when I stayed. I hurt you. Again.” Deserving nothing and expecting too much, Blaine’s gaze dropped to the ground when Sebastian finally spoke up and said what he was anticipating. In very easy to understand simplicity. Time to let go. For real. Time to say goodbye and never come back. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for things to turn out like this. Or any of it to turn out the way it did. I—it doesn’t matter.” His shoulders slouched and he looked all the more small the more he caved into himself. Like he’d just curl up until he disappeared if he had the ability. “I’ll listen. You won’t see me–” A pained sound left him at the last part and he was crying but hospitals were used to that. “–I promise, Sebastian.” He couldn’t breathe and his throat couldn’t squeak out the last of what he had to say, so he smiled a goodbye and turned to go before he really lost it in front of him. Cause that was his own problem to deal with.
pianokeysandbowties 